C.: Thanks for picking me up, d.c. I guess Tucker had something better to do…oh, wait, I called him and asked him not to pick me up…or did I?
d.: IDK, Cal.E. You asked me to pick you up because you wanted to talk to me about something. However, we’re going to need to take a slight detour before we get home. I hope you don’t mind.
C.: I guess I wasn’t paying attention, but it looks like we’re going into Houston, not away from the city. Why are we doing that, d.c.?
d.: Well, I got a call at the last second. Actually, I got three calls. One was from ASPN. Since I’m familiar with both Tucker and Tom the Tabby, they want me to call the cat fight. They also want me to referee it, and Tucker is fighting his old manager, so he needed someone in his corner.
C.: So, we’re going into Houston to watch Tom and Tucker fight, after they used me and my kittens to set it up and promote the fight on ASPN?
d.: Yes, Cal.E., the fight is going to start in thirty minutes, so I hope that we don’t hit much traffic.
C.: Well, it is Saturday, but this is Houston, so…
d.: Yep, traffic is bad. It looks like construction ahead. It’s only 28 blocks to the vet clinic’s back alley. I can carry you and my stuff for that far.
C.: What stuff? Oh, I see, the fight is scripted, and you need to know how to call it. d.c., isn’t this ripping off the audience, since you already know how the fight will end?
d.: Not at all. It’s called entertainment. Your mom and dad and Eudora and I watch a lot of medical and police shows. Five minutes into the program, I usually know how it will end, but I watch it anyway. I want to see the different twists the writers can come up with to give us the same ending, because most shows are scripted about the same. The only thing that changes are the back stories of the characters. We already know the back story between these two, so everyone who paid one thousand dollars to watch it on ASPN will be expecting to be entertained. Now, just get into the kennel, and I’ll have us there shortly.
C.: I’ll get into the kennel if you’ll stop calling me shorty.
d.: Shortly. Now, hang on, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Seventeen minutes and forty-two seconds later
Tom the Tabby: I see you brought the cause of this fight with you, d.c. (Psst. I’m just getting into character).
Tux.: My sweet, innocent fiancé, who did nothing to deserve having her fourteen kittens kitten napped is here to watch me fight my arch nemesis. Cal.E., you may sit in the ringside seat I have preserved for you, my sweet, delicate flower.
C.: (It looks like d.c. is in cahoots with these two, but I’ll play along. If Tucker wins, we’ll be set for life). Thank you, my precious protector of my posse of kittens and me. I’ll sit close enough so that you can hear me cheer you on to victory.
dc. the announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, cats and other animals of all ages, we have a Texas Cage Match Grudge Match Cat Fight. The winner will take home ten million dollars. The loser goes home empty-handed.
In the black corner, weighing in at 19.998765 pounds, we have the holder of five championship cat fighting belts. Let’s give it up for the champion, The Tuxedoooo, Tucker, Tucker Two!!!!
C.: Yeah! Go Tucker! All the way to the bank!
d.c. the announcer: And, in the orange corner, weighing in at eleven and one-half pounds, the challenger, The Tuxedo’s former manager and best friend, Tom the (Orange) Tabby!!
C. and the audience: Boo, hiss
d.c the referee: Okay, you two know the rules. This is a Texas Cage match. It’s three rounds and anything goes. If you want to quit before that, you must climb out of the cage, over fifty feet of stainless-steel fence and then three strands of razor wire. The gate will be locked on my signal. Bump paws and come out ready to cat fight!
d.c. the announcer: (Ding, ding, ding) And that’s the end of round one. The challenger came out ready, and The Tuxedo let him go at him hard. It looks like the first round goes to the challenger.
d.c. the trainer: Tucker, what gives? He ate your lunch that round! Get out there and take this fight to your former best friend! (ding, ding ding)
d.c. the Announcer: And it looks like the champ got some encouragement from his manager. He took this round, no questions asked. It will come down to the last round. The winner of round three will take home ten million dollars, and the loser will go home defeated with no money. (ding, ding, ding).
And the challenger is being aggressive, but the champ is doing a good job of countering the attack. These two are going at it tooth and claw (literally). The former best friends aren’t holding anything back. The challenger lands a blow to the head, but the champ counters with two body blows and. (ding, ding, ding) I have this cat fight as a toss-up. Let’s see what the judges have to say.
Judges: Well, we have a split decision. The first round went to the challenger, and the second round to the champ. That leaves the third round to decide who gets the kitty (hehe) Ladies and Gentlemen, cats and other animals of all ages….
d.: Well, that’s all the time we have for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow to see what the judges' decision is, and if Cal.E. and Tucker will call it quits, or still get married.