Ring announcer: Champ, do I see a grudge match between you and your manager
developing?
Tux.: No, I don’t think so. I’m sure that the two of us can work out our differences. We’re
two mature tomcats who can reasonably...
R.A.: Champ, are you okay? Champ?
I need a vet to the ring area asap. The five time champion cat fighter is unconscious and unresponsive.
Medic: I can take care of him. I’m trained to take care of humans, how much different
would a cat’s care be?
Patient has stable vital signs but is oriented times zero (as far as I know. I don’t speak
Catonese). Pupils are...well, large and reactive to light equally. Patient will now be
transported to the local 24-hour veterinary clinic.
Tom the Tabby: Tucker? Prease wakes up! I’m sorry dat I screwed yas out o’ all dat
money, but I gots a bad habit. I put a mil on a horse wit’ a bum leg at da tracks, and lost it all. He didn’ limp ‘tils he started runnin.’ Wit taxes and expenses, which included a large sum ta pay off da cops and animal control tas not bust us fir illegal caqt fighten' an' gamblin', dare ain’t much left. But yas can have it all if’n yas’ll just wake up! Yas me bestest frin. Actually, yas my onliest frin’, so prease wakes up an' be my bes'bud agin,’ wills yas? I’s’ll stay wit cha ‘tils ya wakes up. Den, we’s kin be bes’ buds agin.’ Deal?
Vet.: Are you Tucker, Tucker Two’s next of kin?
The T.: Uh, sure. Yeah, dat’s it. He’s my brudder.
Vet.: Well, I guess he’s your brother from a different dad, because there’s absolutely no resemblance at all. But if you two have the same mother, then, I guess you two could be from different litters, so I’ll divulge the information to you.
Tucker is severely dehydrated and in need of advanced veterinary care. That’s something that’s not available here in Backwoods, Louisanna. Our state only has two of those types of animal hospitals. One is in New Orleans, and one is in Baton Rouge, but both are at capacity. However, I see from Tucker’s I.C.E. information that the two of you are fromH ouston. That city has excellent medical care for animals in Tucker’s condition. When he stabilizes, I’ll arrange for transport to the best animal hospital in Houston. Do you think that you can afford such care?
T the T: Um, sure. I gots a lot of money now dat Tucker...won da cat show last night. He
gots ten million dollars for dat, so’s I guess dat would pay fir a perty good vet, eh?
Vet. That should suffice. Now, as the attending veterinarian, I’m entitled to one-half of that sum. Can you pay me now, in case the patient doesn’t make it?
T the T.: Dat sounds fair, if’n ya’s kin save my brudder. He’s my pal, and I wants ‘em to
live! But I only gots fifty dollars, ‘cause we ain’t been paid da prize money for da cat show yet.
Vet.: That will have to do. I’ll send you an IOU for the rest of the sum.
T. the T.: (I tink a may be gettin’ a raw deal. I’ll play along, doe, ta make sure Tucker gets
well). Dat sounds fair, but I can’ts read nor write. How’s I’s gonna signs an IOU?
Vet.: I’ll just need your paw print on this IOU.
T the T.: I tells ya what. If’n yas can get my brudder back ta Houston safe and soun’ I’ll
pay ya da rest o’ da money den, deal?
Vet.: (He’s a dumb cat with a lot of money. If I play my cards right, I’ll get the entire
amount). Sure, but that will require me doubling my fee. If you want your brother to makeit back to Houston, put your paw print here, here and here.
T.the T. and Vet: (Sucker!)
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