d.: Well, Cal.E. may not want to watch Tucker's fight, but I think it’s interesting. What could be better than two highly skilled, well-trained athletes trying to outwit each other in a battle of wills? However, it is highly illegal, so I hope that animal control doesn’t discern the location of this catfight that’s being sent to ASPN via a bootleg recording by one of the spectators. That could ruin catfighting forever. That’s why they fight in the backwoods of Louisiana, though, so no one will be able to find them, unless that person is very familiar with the state.
Hmm, it looks like there are a few minutes before the introductions, so I’ll just go and get something to drink and some refreshments. I wouldn’t want to miss anything, so I’ll pause my DVR.
Five minutes later
d.:Oh, good. I didn’t miss the introductions.
Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, cats and other animals of all ages, let’s get ready for a battle royale. We have two champion catfighters fighting for a unified belt tonight. The competitors are fighting in the heavyweight division, so I’ll introduce the challenger first.
In the black corner, weighing in at 29.997 pounds, the holder of the super heavyweight, really heavy heavyweight, and the unlimited weight championship belts of cat fighting, The Tuxedoooo, Tucker, Tucker Two!
And in the red corner, weighing in at exactly 25 pounds, the heavyweight catfighting champion of the world, Bob the Cat!
d.: Bob the Cat! What an unimaginative name. Wait, that’s a lynx! I get it now, he’s a bobcat! Tucker is going to have a very challenging fight tonight. I hope he at least survives this fight, even if he doesn’t win. I’ve developed a soft spot in my heart for El Gordo Gato since he and Cal.E got engaged. He’s actually a good cat (hehe).
Ring announcer, referee, and play-by play announcer: Okay, cats, let’s have a clean fight. As usual, there are no rules in catfighting. The match will continue until one of you walks away, three rounds are completed or one of you goes to the mat and cannot continue to fight. Alternatively, either one of your managers may throw in the towel onto the mat, which will end the fight. That will result in a forfeit for the team that quits. When the bell rings, bump paws and come out catfighting (ding, ding, ding)
Announcer: And the challenger is being very aggressive. He lands a punch to the ribs, then the face, and now a combination to the solar plexus of the champion. He has the champion on his heels. The champion is retreating, trying to regroup as this round ends. (ding, ding, ding).
Tom the Tabby: Great round, Tucker! Just keep doing what you’re doing and you should win by a unanimous decision.
Tux: Nah, he’s the champion of this weight class. I probably will need to knock him out to win this fight. I’ll set him up and go with an uppercut to the jaw at an exact 90 degree angle. If I hit him in the right spot, he won’t get up off the canvas. (ding, ding ding).
Announcer: And in round two, the champion is being more aggressive. He lands a punch to the challenger’s mid-section, and another, and another. The challenger wants more! He’s motioning for the champion to come back and attack, but that’s the end of the round. (ding, ding, ding).
I have this round scored for the champion. It looks like the catfight will come down to the final round. Who is the more skilled catfighter? We’ll see in just a few.
Tom the Tabby: What gives, Tucker? I taught ya said ya’s gonna knock da bum on his keester?
Tux.: I said I was going to set him up, which I did. He punched himself out in the last round. He didn’t even want to come back when I left myself open for a free shot! Now, I’m gonna finish what I started, and then go home and reclaim my one true love (ding, ding, ding)
Announcer: And the challenger is back to his aggressive attack. The champion is doing a good job of blocking his body blows, and oh, my! The challenger lands a punch to the underside of the chin. The champion is down. It looks like the challenger had this planned all along. I guess he thought he could outsmart the champion, and he did a good job! Six, seven, eight.. It’s a standing eight count, no! The champ goes back down, and his manager is throwing in the towel. Ladies and gentlemen, cats and other animals of all kinds and ages, we have a new heavyweight catfighting champion of the world by TKO: Tucker, Tucker, Two!
Tucker, would you like to say a few words to our audience?
Tux.: I would. Today (today, today) I consider myself the luckiest cat on the face of the earth. I have accomplished something no other animal or human has ever accomplished. Today, I…
T the T.: Psst. Tucker, not so fast. Dare’s another catfight tommorra night, and yuse could hold five belts if ya win!
Tux.: I’m done with catfighting, Tom. I just want to go back to Houston and marry Cal.E. and live a quiet, normal life.
T the T.: Dis text says dat de promotas of tommarra night’s catfight ‘ll give yas ten mill if ya win!
Tux.: Ten million dollars? That would be a good nest egg to start married life with. What must I do to enter this fight, Tom?
T the T.: Get on the scales. Let’s see, Ya lost eight pounds during dis fight, so alls ya gotta do is lose two more by dis time tommorra night. Den, ya can fight in da light heavyweight class. If yas win dat one, den ya can retire. We’ll both be set for life, once we split da pot evenly.
Tux.: (Split the pot evenly? My aching eye. If I can knock out a bobcat, I can certainly handle this joker). Sure, Tom, that’s what we’ll do. I’ll fast and not drink anything until weigh-in time tomorrow. I’ll also visit the kennel sauna tonight. It will be taxing, but this is for the money that will make my retirement pleasurable.
Tune in tomorrow, folks, and see if Tucker is successful in winning a fifth catfighting belt, and if he can keep Tom from cheating him out of one-half of his money
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