Since your husband’s last words were, “Honey, I just lost the house on that game. I bet that Iona would be Kentucky by ten points and they only won by nine,” I propose that you killed your husband, and then killed his mistress, my partner in a fit of rage.
That may be true, but I had some help. You and I were also having an affair, so you were the one who told me that your partner was allergic to shellfish. You helped me put iodine on her steak at that restaurant where y’all were eating.
You took the lead on this case to cover your tracks. I’ll confess everything and you’ll be convicted of double homicide, along with me if you pursue this any further because I used your gun to kill my husband and then returned it to your hiding place for it in my house. I wiped my fingerprints off it and then asked you to take me to the shooting range, where you used the gun used in the murder of my husband to practice with. Your fingerprints are the only ones on that gun now. When the ballistics from your gun match the one that killed my husband, you’ll be indicted for murder. If you try to get me convicted for murder I’ll turn the gun over to the cops. But we were the final four people on earth, maybe in the universe who knew that your partner was allergic to iodine. If you and I both keep our mouths shut, we’re home free.
Let’s dump this berg and lose ourselves in a big city, where we can’t be found. The Big Easy is full of our kind. No one will notice us there!
We will return to the Sunday Night at the Movies special “The Final Four; Confessions of a Basketball Widow” after these messages.
C.: These scripts are so predictable. I need to get ready for my meeting with the big boss before my shift starts tonight. Watching a movie after watching basketball games all day didn’t help me prepare well for my interview with the big boss. Hopefully, I have enough experience with these interviews by now to wing it.
Two hours later…
C.: I’m here in the warden’s office where I’m supposed to have my interview with the big boss a little early. That should give me some time to prepare for my meeting with the big boss…Meow Z. Tongue, what are you doing here?!
M.: I’m here to interview my number one employee, Calculating Einstein Kat. How have you been, Cal.E.?
C.: Do you mean since I was banned from your galaxy for eating my husband, the king of my planet’s meal? Actually, pretty well. I have a good job and some good friends. I also oversee thirteen of fourteen of my kittens here at The Kennel. My ex-husband here on Earth and I have resolved our differences, and I’m now engaged to a scholar. But why, my I ask, am I interviewing with you?
M.: Because I purchased the planet Earth from a space traveler. I wanted to see what I had purchased, so I came to Earth. After I landed, I looked up cats from my galaxy. Apparently, you’re the only cat smart enough to get here, besides me, that is.
C.: So, how do you like what you see?
M.: I’m not pleased. I want to tear down the whole planet and build cat climbing structures. I need for you to get rid of all the residents here so that I can do that. Our galaxy is overcrowded and I need somewhere to put the criminals and undesirables.
C.: And if I refuse to help you do that, what then?
M.: I know that you may not care about your own life, Cal.E., but you have fourteen kittens and, as you mentioned, some friends here on Earth. If you don’t help me accomplish my mission, your kittens, as well as your mom, dad, and next door neighbor and his whole family, as well as your mom and dad’s family are history.
C.: I’ll help you if you can answer one question for me.
M.: What’s the question, Cal.E.?
C.: Well, you’re speaking to me in English, not Catonese. I gather that you’ve mastered the English language, so I’ll ask you a question about that language: in English, what’s another word for synonym?
M.: ???!!!
Tune in tomorrow folks, if we’re all still alive, and find out if Cal.E. is successful in saving the world!