C.: I want to get comfortable here in front of y’all and be real. I’ll mimic my favorite radio station K-I-N-D for my campaign speech for Supreme Ruler of the Planet of the Talking Cats. I would make a good ruler, but my opponent, Ronald Dump, would be just as good in that office as I would be. He’s intelligent and knows how to run a business, so I’m sure he would be a good ruler of a planet.
Ronald is a handsome cat with a winsome personality, and any planet would be lucky to have him as its ruler. I just want to compliment him on running a clean and effective campaign. The polls now say that our race is too close to call, so voting for either of us would be a good choice. Just vote for the candidate that you think will make the best ruler of the planet.
Thank you for your time and kind attention.
Ronald Dump: Thank you for those kind words, Cal.E. As you all can see, my opponent doesn’t think that she’ll be a better leader than me, so vote for me. To quote MY favorite radio station, K-I-N-G, it will be good to be king of the planet.
I’ll make sure that there are mice in each and every house on this planet, so that no one will go hungry. And there will be smelly garbage on every street that is accessible to all cats. I’ll turn on the lights at night, and turn them off during the day…
C.: That’s a good idea, Ronald, but do we need artificial light during the daytime?
RD.: Er…well, I’ll make sure that we can see at all times.
C.: And that will up production, because then all the workers can work around the clock! That will cut down on crime, because no cats will have the time or energy to do anything but work. That’s a good plan, Ronald.
RD.: Er…yes, I mean no. If I’m elected the Ruler of the Planet of the Talking Cats, no cats will be obligated to do any kind of work.
C.: That’s great, Ronald. Cats are usually lazy, so we can all just lie around and starve to death.
RD.: ..Er.. I mean there will be no overtime work for any cats…
C.: And, since no cats will have any money because most of our base salaries go to food and rent, we won’t be needing any new pickleball courts or any other kind of entertainment facilities in the near future. That will slash taxes! Of course, some (or most) of the cats working for the government will be out of a job. Then, how will the buy food and pay rent?
RD.: Er… I’ll buy them all food and pay their rent (yeah, that’s it).
C.: Ronald, there are ten million cats on this planet. Do you propose to feed all of them and pay their rent as well?
RD.: No, I’d go broke doing that. I’ll just help the ones who lose their government jobs.
C.: Ronald, is that really fair? I mean, these cats won’t have to do anything but lie around to get fed and have their rent paid while every other cat on the planet is working just to pay rent and buy food.
RD.:LIFE’S NOT FAIR!!! I mean, I’ll take that under advisement and have an answer for you soon.
C.: (Wow! This “kill the opposition with kindness” strategy really does work.) If you’d like to know how well, tune in tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner.
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