Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Straight through the sun of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Make me, oh, make me, Lord, more than I am
Make a piece in your master game plan
Free from the earthly temptation below
I've got the will, Lord, if you've got the toe
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Straight through the sun of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Bring on the brothers who've gone on before
And all of the sisters who've knocked at your door
All the departed, dear loved ones of mine
And stick 'em up front in the offensive line
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Straight through the sun of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Straight through the sun of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Yeah, dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Paul Charles Craft
Dropkick Me Jesus lyrics © Screen Gems-emi Music Inc., Black Sheep Music
C.: Oh, no! Now a sheriff’s officer is coming this way, d.c. It looks like you might be dropkicked through the goalposts of life by him. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get you into any trouble. I just thought that it would be fun to play detective.
d.: Evening, officer.
Oh, Barney Fife, what’s going on?
Barney: How’s it goin’ d.c.?
d.: Fair to middlin’ I reckon, officer Fife. My dog just dug up this here bone and we’re debatin’ as to what kind o’ critter it belongs to. I know dat dis neighborhood was built on an old hayfield dat was used as a pasture afta da hay was cut, so I figger it’s some kinda livestock’s bones, but I don’ know which kind. What do ya, think, officer?
C.: (Why is d.c. talking like a hick? He doesn’t usually talk like that.)
B.: Well, sir, it kinda looks like it may o’ belon’ ta a steer, one ‘bout nine mont’s old. Shame, da owners was pro’ly gonna make some tasty steaks out o’ ‘em.
d.: How do you know it ain’t tha bone of a cow or a young bull, officer?
B.: Aw, just call me Barney. You and I go back ta grade school, d.c. We were in tha same class from third grade all tha way through senior year. I lost track o’ ya, though, untils I move’ back heaya and started ta work fir the sheriff’s department.
Anyways, that there bone belongs ta a steer ‘cause whens ya cut ‘em, they puts all they energy inta eatin’ grass and oats, not chasin’ afta heifers like young bulls do. With all tha extra weight, they bones gets thicker’en tha ones froms a heifa or a youn’ bull. It’s a steer bone awright.
Jus’ load dat dare steer bone in tha back o’ my truck an’ I’ll take care o’ it fir ya.
d.: Much obliged, Barn. See ya ‘round.
C.: d.c., were you talking to that local yocal like a hick so that he could understand what you were saying?
d.: Hardly. Barney graduated at the top of my class at a small private high school. Then, he went to Rice to earn his undergraduate degree. After that, he attended Harvard to get his master’s degree. He then applied to and was accepted into Harvard’s medical school. After he earned his medical degree there, he applied to and he was accepted into the most elite medical school in the country to earn his PhD..
C.: So, Officer Barney Fife has an M.D. from Harvard and a Ph.D. from Johns Hopkins University? Does he have a God complex?
d.: Cal.E., Officer Fife doesn’t think he’s God. Barney’s a humble man. He was a forensics expert in the capitol in Washington, D.C., working for the former president. When he wasn’t re-elected, Barney lost that job so he came back home and started working for the sheriff’s department here.
C.: Couldn’t his knowledge and skills be better used by the local sheriff’s department in a lab instead of as a deputy, or constable, or whatever he is?
d.: Yes, but Barney doesn’t like to stay still. He does do lab work, but when he’s not doing that he patrols the area. I’m lucky that it was him who came instead of someone who wasn’t as well-versed in livestock. I might have been arrested because that person may have thought that this was a human bone.
C.: I didn’t know that Johns Hopkins had a veterinary program, too.
d.: It doesn’t, as far as I know, but Barney grew up on a ranch. He knows livestock’s anatomy as well as he knows the anatomy of humans. He has other useful common knowledge skills that most people don’t have as well.
C.: Like what?
d.: He knows when it’s going to rain, and he can tell time by the sun as well as I can.
C.: Usually smart people don’t have the common sense knowledge Barney does, nor do they usually talk the way he does.
d.: That goes to show you that you can’t judge a book by its cover.
C.: Or a human by the way s/he talks. Barney definitely has more common sense than the cat who’s known as the smartest cat in the cat galaxy.
d.: Who would that be, Cal.E.
C.: Meow Z. Tongue?!! What are you doing here?
d.: Well, it looks like we’re out of time for today, folks. So please join us tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner.
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