I have a mansion, forget the price
Ain't never been there, they tell me it's nice
I live in hotels, tear out the walls
I have accountants pay for it all
They say I'm crazy but I have a good time
I'm just looking for clues at the scene of the crime
Life's been good to me so far
My Maserati does one-eighty-five
I lost my license, now I don't drive
I have a limo, ride in the back
I lock the doors in case I'm attacked
I make hit records, my fans they can't wait
They write me letters, tell me I'm great
So I got me an office, gold records on the wall
Just leave a message, maybe I'll call
Lucky I'm sane after all I've been through
(Everybody say I'm cool) (He's cool)
I can't complain but sometimes I still do
Life's been good to me so far
I go to parties, sometimes until four
It's hard to leave when you can't find the door
It's tough to handle this fortune and fame
Everybody's so different, I haven't changed
They say I'm lazy but it takes all my time
(Everybody say oh, yeah) (Oh, yeah)
I keep on going, guess I'll never know why
Life's been good to me so far
Yeah, yeah, yeah
C.: Well, since it’s still raining purple rain, I guess I try to write some query letters for my book Entitled: Cal.E: THE CAT FROM OUT OF THIS WORLD. All this agent wants is a credit card number so that he can put money on it when he sells my manuscript to one of the big five publishers. I'll just use T's Amrican Express black card.
Let’s see, I need a good opening line…yes, that’s it.
Dear Agent:
This is your lucky day.
No, that’s wrong. If I’m going to query more than one agent, I should be honest about it.
Dear Agents:
This will be the best day of your life if you read my manuscript.
Yes, that’s a good opening, but I don’t know what to say next. d.c. has written a lot of these, so I’ll call and asked him what to write next.
“d.c., it’s Cal.E., I have some questions to ask you so that I can become a billionaire."
d.: Most people shoot for becoming a millionaire before shooting for being a billionaire, Cal.E.
C.: Yes, but I’m not a person, I’m a cat. And I’ve given up on becoming a mewoinnaire, like my husband, Tucker Tucker Two, a.k.a. The Cat Fighter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now Simply Known As T Because Triple T Was Already Taken. I’ve set my sights on becoming a billionaire.
d.: Since you don’t have a job, how do you propose to make billions of dollars, Cal.E.?
C.: By selling my book to the highest bidder. I reasoned that the first step was to start querying agents, but I’m stuck on the second paragraph. Ince you’ve written a lot of these. I thought that maybe you could help me.
d.: Gladly, text me what you’ve written so far…. Okay, first, agents know that you’re querying more than one at a time. It’s expected, but you shouldn’t rub their faces in it. And secondly, never open with telling them that they will be lucky to represent you.
C.: What do you suggest?
d.: Well, first, get them interested in your book. Tell them how it’s different, but the same as all the other books in the genre that your book will be categorized in.
C.: how do I do that?
d.: With comparable titles. They must be recent, though.
C.: So, I need to find books about alien talking cats coming to Earth from another planet and marrying the heavy weight cat fighting champion is five different categories after settling our differences when we were archrivals?
d.: Well, yes, but don’t use run-on sentences.
C.: Okay, what genre would you say this is?
d.: to be safe, I would say that it’s a fantasy novel that is told from a first-person perspective. Tell the readers that it’s a true story, but the agent that it came from your imagination.
C.: So, you saying I should lie?
d.: No, just stretch the truth a little bit. Then grab the agent with the hook of your book.
C.: The hook is that I’m a talking cat from another planet in a different galaxy that can type well enough to write an entire book.
d.: That may not be enough. Think about something that will get the agents’ attention.
C.: Okay, got it.
Dear Agents:
This will be the best day of your life if you read my manuscript. If you choose not to represent me in this endeavor, I’ll have my husband, Tucker Tucker Two, a.k.a. The Cat Fighter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now Simply Known As T Because Triple T Was Already Take, holder of five heavy weight cat fighting championship belts sit on you while I claw your face and eyes with my front paws.
Sincerely,
Calculating Einstein Kat.
C.: That should do it. Now I’ll just wait for an answer. How long do you think that will take, d.c.?
d. That’s all the time we have for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner.
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