The name of this song is the Wildwood Flower
Now the Wildwood Flower is an old country classic
It's gained a whole new popularity
The song isn't any more popular
But the flower's doin' real good
The wildwood flower grew out on the farm
And we never knowed what it was called
Some said it was a flower and some said it was a weed
I didn't give it much thought
One day I was out there talkin' to my brother
And I reached down for a weed to chew on
Things got fuzzy and things got blurry
And then everything was gone
Didn't know what happened
But I knew it beat the hell out of sniffing burlap
I come to, and my brother was there and he said,
"What's wrong with your eyes?"
I said "I don't know, I was chewin' on a weed"
He said, "Let me give it a try"
We spent the rest of that day and most of that night
Tryin' to find my brother Bill
Caught up with him about six o'clock the next mornin'
Naked, singing on the windmill
He said he flew up there
I had to fly up and get him down
He was about half crazy
The very next day we picked a bunch of them weeds
And we put 'em in the sun to dry
Then we mashed 'em up and we cleaned 'em off
Put 'em in the corn cob pipe
Smokin' them wildwood flowers got to be a habit
We never seen no harm
We thought it was kinda handy
Take a trip and never leave the farm
Big 'ole puff of that wildwood weed
And the next thing you know
You're just wand'ring 'round behind the little animals
All good things got to come to an end
It's the same with the wildwood weeds
One day this feller from Washington come by
And spied 'em and turned white as a sheet
And he dug and he burned
And he burned and he dug
And he killed all our cute little weeds
And then he drove away
We just smiled and waved
Sittin' there on that sack o' seeds
"Y'all come back now, y'hear!"
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Don Bowman / Jim Stafford
Wildwood Weed lyrics © Sony/atv Harmony, Sony/atv Melody, Parody Publishin
C.: This inmate is apparently taking college level classes. I’m in a mood to learn, so I’ll open up one of his books. This math book should be educational, and I need to learn math better. Maybe human catnip will make me smarter.
Let’s see, I have two front legs and two back legs. That’s as high as I can count. This book says that two plus two equals four. For what? For a team in the Super Bowl? That reminds me, the greatest quarterback of all time, David Carr, was left off the ballot for the Professional Football Hall of Fame- again! What does he need to do to get elected into the Hall of Fame? He has a Super Bowl ring. What else does he need to do?
Okay, the next chapter looks complicated. It says that the square of the sides of a right triangle equals the square of the high-pot i noose. Hm, I can see why it would be high, but why are they all called square? They all look like straight lines to me. And is it a right triangle as opposed to a left triangle, or a wrong triangle? This is confusing, and I don’t feel well at all. I need to go find d.c. and see if he can give me something to make me feel better.
d.: Hey, Cal.E., you don’t look like you feel well. Maybe I should take you out to my truck and call your vet. Your mom and dad are on another cruise, so they asked me to look out for you while they’re gone.
“Hello? I need to speak to someone about the cat I’m taking care of. She seems to be disoriented, and is suffering from ataxia. That’s right, she’s confused and can’t walk a straight line. What do I need to do for her?
C.: (Wow, these humans have a tax on everything, but my ears? And why is d.c. talking like Christopher Walken?) d.c. I don’t feel well and oh bleah…
d.: Cal.E! What are you throwing up? Oh, I see what the problem is now. You got into an inmate’s stash. One of the officer’s asked me if the inmate in cell 101 had cannabis prescribed for anxiety. I told him that, in Texas, Marijuana is still a schedule one drug. We don’t prescribe illegal drugs to inmates. Even if we did, he wouldn’t be allowed to keep it in his cell, because he might sell it to the other inmates. I guess the security staff didn’t toss his cell, because they didn’t find the pot and confiscate it (or dispose of it otherwise). It looks like you got rid of most of it, but my truck will need to be detailed now. How do you feel?
C.: Better now, but I’m really hungry! Can we go to Whatdoyouwant?! and get a hamburger, or two or three? I think that will make me feel better.
d.: Well, my shift isn't over. I took my lunch break to come out here and call your vet for you. He said that once you…did what you just did, you should be okay. Human catnip isn’t toxic to cats in small doses, only large ones. Why don't you just sleep it off in my truck until I can take you home. I’ll crack the windows so you won’t suffocate. You’ll probably have a bad headache when you wake up, though. I’ll take you home and get some kitty aspirin from your mom and dad’s house when we get there. You may need to call in sick for tomorrow. I don’t know what the long range effects of that stuff are on a cat. Just take it easy until you feel better.
C.: I’ll never eat human or animal catnip again, as long as I live through all nine of my lives.
d.: Yeah, yeah, until you forget how you feel now.
That’s all the time we have for today, folks, please join my co-host and me tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner when we have a very special guest.