C.: Hi, d.c., what are you doing on your day off from work at The Kennel?
d.: I’m just having a lazy, relaxing day off. I just went to the gym and then picked up my dry cleaners and groceries this morning. Then I got gas and washed my truck and Eudora’s car. I sent emails to my three sons and edited a manuscript while I washed clothes. Now, I’m reading a book while I cook my lunches for the work week. I will probably do a short brick later. I’ll go on a ten-mile run after I do a twenty-five mile bike ride. I’ll need to work that in after I lift weights and do calisthenics and Pilate exercises. I’m just taking it easy today. What are you doing on your day off from work?
C.: Well, I was going to read this email about procrastination, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. So, what book are you reading?
d.: My editor’s book. It’s called “The Mud Man.” It’s pretty interesting.
C.: Is it about a man made of mud?
d.: No, it’s about a man that was found under mud. He had been preserved in ice for almost one thousand years. He was still alive after all that time, but, somewhat realistically, not in very good shape. It’s interesting to me, because she tells about how all the years of inactivity effected his body and brain. She must have at least some medical knowledge, because it’s accurate; or it may be that she did her research well. She helped me correct some things in my manuscript I wrote twenty years ago. I didn’t know how to do research properly then.
C.: I see. Speaking of books, what did you think of mine?
d.: I thought it was interesting, but I see some plot holes, as well as some other problems with it. It is a first draft, though. That’s when you just get the idea down on paper. Then, you edit (edit, edit, edit…) and expound or eliminate. Some chapters may not belong in this particular book. I took a class online this weekend. The teacher advocated exactly what I do: keep a separate file with chapters or paragraphs that have been eliminated from the book you’re working on. The chapters or paragraphs may belong in another book, not that one. This works well if you’re writing a series. My process is to write a chapter, and then see which book it fits into. That is, after I’ve written the end of the book, and then the beginning.
C.: Okay, well, what problems, other than the potholes, did you see with my book?
d.: Plot holes. To begin with, you are selling it as a true story. I’m not one of those people who believe that earth is the only planet in the universe that possesses intelligent life, but many people feel that way. A talking cat getting in a spaceship and coming to a different galaxy and planet after her husband, the king of the planet and galaxy, bands her for eating his food is a good premise for a fantasy novel. However, I would make the queen of planet POTT-C a little lazier than you are. You are royalty. You’re accustomed to others dong things for you, not working at a job and doing so well at it that you’re promoted to a management position. That’s number one.
Number two is that few (if any) beings on this planet with enough money to buy your book speak your planet’s native language, Catonese. I learned the language by talking to you. Maybe you should try to make it an audio book in English. That way you could narrate the book, and no one would know that you’re a talking cat. Refuse to be photographed. That will cause some mystery.
C.: you mean, like you refusing to remove your N-95 respirator mask when being photographed?
d.: Yes. As a mystery writer, I think it gives me some mystique. As a nurse, it makes sense that I would be wearing protective equipment. Just tell the people who publish your book that you’re a recluse, and are worried that revealing your true identity would cause people to want to talk to and bother you. There have been a lot of famous writers in the past who were noted recluses. It was possible to get away with it a century or two ago, but no more. You can bring back an old trend.
Number three is, well, translating your book, unless I’m not remembering your language well, is a little hard. Sentence structures and syntax are different in your language than in English. You may need to work with an editor to translate your manuscript to something that reads more smoothly in English. It made sense in Catonese, but, I think in English, since that’s my native language. I can give you the name of a good editor. I’ll translate the manuscript to English, and then you can send the manuscript to her to work with you on it.
C.: Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? You and her are probably in cahoots, working together to steal my manuscript! Just because you have a case of writer’s block doesn’t mean you can steal my manuscript! Keep running around like a maniac on your days off work from The Kennel until you get over your writer’s block! I’ll edit my own book! I took an online course in English and made a ‘C’! I speak English! I can translate my book into your language myself!
d.: That’s all the time we have for today, folks, please join my cohost and me tomorrow for more of Cal.E.’s Korner.
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