C.: Let’s see, nine times nine is 81. Now, for my gouzindas. Nine gouzinda nine once, nine gouzinda eighteen twice..oh, hi. I was just earning my name. When I first came to this planet, I couldn’t count past two. I reasoned that was as high as I needed to count, since I got fed twice per day. My owner sarcastically named me after the greatest scientist of the twentieth century because of this. He also changed the spelling of my last name. He said he did that because I was a different kind of cat.
I had an addiction to catnip for a while, so I went into The Kennel for rehabilitation. While I was there, I noticed how filthy the cages were. The officer said that, if I wanted a clean cage, I should clean it myself. So, that’s what I did. The administration at The Kennel was so impressed that they gave me a fulltime job, working on both the animal and human side of The Kennel.
That job gave me an opportunity to work with my best human friend, d.c. scot. He’s a nurse at The Kennel, buth he’s also an author, my human dad’s best friend, and our next door neighbor. He’s the only human who can understand what I say, because he understands and speaks Catonese. He’s also learning how to speak Dogma, so that he can communicate with the dogs here at The Kennel.
Once I was employed and earning a living, I felt much better about myself, but I did get addicted to gambling. LIke most addicts, I traded one addiction for another. Because of my new addiction, I ran into trouble with the leader of the Hoston order of the Cat Cartel, Tom the Tabby. Tom was unhappy when I broke into his house and stole his money. I reasoned that, if I had bet the money that d.c. talked me out of betting, I would have won as much as I took from Tom, but Tom didn’t see it that way.
Tom sent his top henchman to catch me, five-time heavyweight cat fighting champion Tucker, Tucker Two, a.k.a. The Tuxedo. My friend, d.c. scot said that The Tuxedo had been in The Kennel so many times that the warden decided to retire his number. However, Tucker used his time in The Kennel wisely. He took advantage of the resources offered by the state and eventually earned a doctorate in playing and hiding from Cat Skills College.
Tom wanted me to pay him back, but I sent all the money I stole from him and earned at The Kennel to my ex-earth husband, Tom, to support my fourteen kittens. I abandoned both Tom and my kittens when they were babies, so I felt guilty and decided to invite them to visit me.
That was after d.c. found me hiding under my mom and dad’s bed. I knew that Tom was looking for me, and that he’d tapped d.c.’s phone. I sent music messages to d.c., indicating where I was, but I was really hiding under the bed in the master bedroom of my house. Tom and Tucker traveled the earth trying to find me, but never did, until they returned home. Tom was not happy.
However, Tom said that he would forgive my debt if I would go into the ring and fight The Tuxedo. d.c. trained me, and I won by a knockout in the third round of a championship cat fight. However, when I questioned Tucker about his lack of effort, he admitted that he was mad at Tom and lost on purpose. He also complimented me on my fur. He said I was the prettiest cat in the world! That started a dating relationship that resulted in marriage. I’m now married to a mutli-meowionnaire wh’s generous with his time and money. One of the organizations that he funds teaches math to cats, so I signed up while Tucker is training to defend his five cat fighting championship belts. I now know all the multiplication and division tables, which I call “gouzindas.” I reason that my math skills will come in handy when I assist my husband when he counts his money from the cat fights he’s scheduled to fight in the next few weeks. In the meantime, I decided to keep my job at The Kennel cleaning cages (even though I’m in upper management now). That job gives me a sense of purpose. I also get to work with my fourteen kittens, since they decided to stay with me when Tom went back home.
Oh, and one more thing, before I need to get ready for my night shift job. I was a queen on my former planet, The Planet of the Talking Cats, but I ate my husband’s meal. That carries the death penalty on my planet, but he merely banned me from his galaxy. To make sure that I never return, though, he’s sent the evil Dr. Buddy Bones to find me. Don’t worry for me. My cousin and mirror opposite, ELAC, is here to protect me from her planet HTRAE, and she’s a fierce warrior who’s proven her expertise in battle many times. That’s all for now. Please join me and my co host, d.c. scot for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner tomorrow.
Meanwhile, in the third ward of Houston…
ELAC: Now, where did that nice young tom cat say he’d be tonight? I simply must have some more of his delicious catnip.
And, in a galaxy not too far away…
Buddy Bones: Excellent!!
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