C.: Well, d.c.’s off from work at The Kennel, but he’s still working. He’s going to referee my husband’s cat fight with our new puppy. He said that it’s on pay per view channel 2,222,222.2227. Since I’m also off work from The Kennel today, I’d like to watch this cat fight.
I didn’t understand why Tucker wanted to take up cat fighting again, since he’s already a multi-meowionnare. However, d.c. told me that, to honor Bob Barker, Tucker is donating all the proceeds to PETA, Bob’s favorite animal charity. d.c. decided to follow suit and give all the money they were paying him to referee, announce and do color commentary on the cable channel to PETA as well. And, when the cable company understood what Tucker was doing, they decided that all the proceeds from this fight would go to PETA, too. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is a good charity, so I don’t mind paying the $500.00 fee to watch this fight, since it’s not on the free cable Animal Sports Network, ASPN.
Now, let’s see, no, that’s the Astros' game. They’ve already scored in double digits again, but the pitcher is having trouble with his pitch com. The Astros should just teach the two or three pitchers on their staff who aren’t bilingual Spanish. Since both catchers and most of the pitchers speak that language, and not everyone in Major League Baseball does, they could then use hand signs again, since they always seem to be having trouble with their pitch coms. If they gave the hand signals in Spanish, it would be like a secret code! Okay, I see d.c., so this must be the correct channel.
d.c. the announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, cats, and other animals of all ages, let’s get ready to r-r-r- rumble!!
This is for ten million dollars, the light heavyweight championship cat fighting belt, and a really cool cat toy. In the black corner, weighing in at twenty-five pounds, holder of five heavyweight championship belts; the light heavyweight cat fighting champion of the world, the cat fighter formerly known as The Tuxedo: Tucker, Tucker Two!
And, in the white corner, also weighing in at twenty-five pounds, in her initial fight of her career, the challenger, T. Puppy Katt!!
C.: Tucker’s going to fight the puppy, and she’s never been in the ring before? This could get ugly.
d.c.: the referee Okay, you two, I want a clean fight. It’s three rounds of a Texas Cage match cat fight. The door to the cage will be opened only when the three two-minute rounds are complete, or one of you concedes by yelling, ”Olly, Olly, oxen free.” No…, well, this is cat fighting, so I guess anything goes. Bump paws and come out ready to cat fight.
d.c. the announcer: (ding) And it looks like the challenger’s strategy is to run away from the champ. She’s running in circles around the ring as the champ stands in the middle of the ring, waiting for her to slow down from exhaustion, but that’s not happening.
C.: Wow, look at her go! I knew the puppy was fast, but that’s amazing! Tucker’s a professional athlete, and a cat, and he can’t even keep up with her (ding). That’s the end of round one, and neither fighter has thrown a punch yet.
d.c. the announcer: (ding) the first round would be scored a draw, with zero points for both fighters. It looks like the champ is growing tired of T. Puppy’s antics. He’s going to cut her off at mid-ring, and, oh my! I can’t believe what I just saw!
C.: Wow! That puppy must be part kangaroo. She just jumped right over Tucker, and he’s standing on his hind legs! He’s a big cat, and she jumped over him flat-footed! She’s really athletic! (ding). Well, two rounds down, one to go. I have just enough time to make some microwave popcorn before the next round, but I must remember to put it right side up. I don't want the fire department to come out here again because they think that the house is on fire!
d.c. the announcer: (ding) This is the third and deciding round. Since neither fighter has thrown a punch, whoever takes this round will win and, what’s happening? Tom the Tabby is jumping into the ring! He and Tucker have a feud going and, well, it looks like the two of them have reconciled.
They’re going to team up and try to win this fight together and… oh no! You two can’t do that…
C.: Tom and Tucker just both wound up and knocked d.c. the referee down, and now they’re holding him down. Tucker’s counting one, two, whatever comes after that and, why are they throwing him out of the ring and inside that trap door?
Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by
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