Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life End over end, neither left, nor the right Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Make me, oh, make me, Lord, more than I am Make a piece in your master game plan Free from the earthly temptation below I've got the will, Lord, if you've got the toe
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life End over end, neither left, nor the right Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Bring on the brothers who've gone on before And all of the sisters who've knocked at your door All the departed, dear loved ones of mine And stick 'em up front in the offensive line
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life End over end, neither left, nor the right Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life End over end, neither left, nor the right Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Yeah, dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life End over end, neither left, nor the right
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Paul Charles Craft
Dropkick Me Jesus lyrics © Screen Gems-emi Music Inc., Black Sheep Music
C.: So, d.c., you’re telling me that Lassie was actually a boy dog, and the world’s greatest male athlete, circa 1976, now identifies as a woman?!
d.: Lassie was several male dogs, and Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner prefers the name “Caitlyn.”
C.: I suppose next you’ll tell me that a Texas horned frog isn’t really a frog!
d.: It isn’t. It’s a lizard.
C.: ???!!! No wonder this planet is so mixed up and confused. No one knows what’s what and who’s who. I don’t see this as a good omen for my second marriage on this planet.
d.: Then why did you get married the first time on this planet, Cal.E.?
C.: Don’t you remember, d.c? I was pregnant with fourteen kittens!
d.: I suppose that may as good of a reason as any to get married, if you actually love the one you’re marrying.
C.: I thought about putting my kittens up for adoption, but Tom was sweet, and he was a good provider. It wasn’t his fault that I left, it was mine.
d.: Is Tom going to give you away to Tucker?
C.: Both of my ex-husbands, from two different planets (both named Tom) are going to give me away. One will be on my left side, and one on my right. My seven queen kittens will be my bridesmaids, and my seven tom kittens will be Tucker’s groomsmen.
d.: I guess that’s a good way to do it, since your mom and dad are on yet another cruise and won’t be back until August.
C.: I do have an important job for you, though, d.c.
d.: What do you want me to do at your wedding, Cal.E.?
C.: I want you to be the usher.
d.: Don’t you mean an usher?
C.: No, you will be the only one.
d.: Well, since weddings aren’t divided into the groom’s and bride’s sides anymore, I guess that will be an easy job.
C.: Not really. You must escort Tucker’s mom down the aisle. And, in human years, she would be ninety-seven, so it won’t be easy to get her down the aisle.
d.: Does she have any assistive devices to help her walk?
C.: No. That’s why it will be difficult, d.c. She’s spry as as a spring chicken, but also looney as one. She has dementia. She doesn’t know who or where she is most of the time. She’s not dangerous, but she is fast!
d.: Well, I do have some experience with people and animals who aren’t well-oriented to reality. A lot of the older inmates at The Kennel are a lot like your mother-in-law to be. Since they’ve been locked up for most of their lives, many of them have lost touch with reality. I’m not sure if some of them fit that description when they committed the crime that they’ve been put into The Kennel for, but they need extra help now. I think I can handle this assignment, Cal.E.
C.: That’s why I asked that you be the usher, d.c. You’re a nurse with experience with people with dementia. Now, if you could just arrange to be at mine and Tucker’s house around seven a.m. each and every day, that would be great!
d.: Why would I want to do that?
C.: Because that’s when my future mother-in-law awakens. Tucker asked her to move in with us, since he has plenty of room and his mom is…disoriented. I’m just a humble cage cleaner at The Kennel. I have no idea how to take care of her, contrary to what Tucker believes.
d.: I’m almost afraid to ask this, but what does he believe about you, Cal.E.?
C.: Well, he somehow got the impression that I’m in charge of The Kennel, so he assumes that I know how to deal with demented people and animals.
d.: How did he get that impression?
C.: I..told him that. I was trying to impress him. I am in management, but I’m only in charge of the cage cleaners. Please help me, d.c. If he finds out the truth, Tucker may drop kick me through the goal posts of life! He’s the five-time heavyweight catfighting champion of the world, so he could easily do that to a seven and one-hal pound cat!
d.: I might be able to help you on my days off, but I must be at The Kennel by five-thirty a.m. when I work. I can;t leave The Kennel until my shift is over, twelve and one-half hours later. won’t be able to help you on those days, I’m afraid.
C.: Then I see only one solution to my problem…
d.: Well, we’re out of time for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner.
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