****
I want a new drug, one that won't make me sick
One that won't make me crash my car
Or make me feel three-feet thick
I want a new drug, one that won't hurt my head
One that won't make my mouth too dry
Or make my eyes too red
One that won't make me nervous
Wonderin' what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you
When I'm alone with you
I want a new drug, one that won't spill
One that don't cost too much
Or come in a pill
I want a new drug, one that won't go away
One that won't keep me up all night
One that won't make me sleep all day
One that won't make me nervous
Wonderin' what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you
I'm alone with you, baby
I'm alone with you, baby
I want a new drug, one that does what it should
One that won't make me feel too bad
One that won't make me feel too good
I want a new drug, one with no doubt
One that won't make me talk to much
Or make my face breakout
One that won't make me nervous
Wonderin' what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you
I'm alone with you
I'm alone with you, yeah, yeah
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Christopher John Hayes / Huey Lewis
I Want A New Drug lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Warner Chappell Music, Inc
C.: Well, My heart rate has gone down into normal range according to my tracking device, but I still can't sleep. I’ll call d.c. and see if he has a new drug or something else that can help me sleep as well as relieve the pain that will most assuredly occur throughout my body tomorrow due to the brutal workout he gave me to do today. Walking a whole kilometer is very taxing on a cat, especially when she can’t count that high. I might have even walked one point two kilometers, for all I know.
d.: (Riiiing.) The Kennel, the Texas Correctional Facility voted the most palpable for wayward humans and animals in Greater Houston as well as the whole state of Texas. This is according to a survey of former inmates, circa 1991.* The Kennel is where your wish is our desire, and discipline is a state of mind, not a physical condition. This is d.c. scot, nurse, author and receptionist for today. How may I be of service to you on this extraordinarily beautiful afternoon in the Greater Houston area, as well as all of Southeast Texas, ma’am, sir, or nonbinary individual?
C.: d.c., it’s Cal.E.
d.: Oh, hi, Cal.E., how are you?
C.: Not very well, d.c.
d.: What’s wrong, my fine feline friend?
C.: Well, I’ve been trying to take a nap before I start my shift tonight, but I’m having trouble falling asleep. My heart rate has returned to normal range after it was super elevated from the brutal workout you gave me to do to prepare me for the Cat Skills Games, but I still cannot sleep. I was hoping that you could help me with that.
d.: Cal.E., that workout was an “active recovery” one, the next less strenuous workout to a rest day. It wasn’t meant to be hard. I didn’t want to wear you out after you recently competed in The Cat Skills Games. How do you want me to help you sleep? By telling you a bedtime story over the phone?
C.: Not exactly (hint, hint, wink, wink).
d.: Cal.E., we don’t have Zoom or Facetime here at The Kennel. I can’t see what you’re doing with your eyes or anything else. Do I need to call U.R. so that I can send you to the vet clinic?
C.: Well… the other day, when I was cleaning out a human inmate's cell, I heard him tell his cellie that he needed to talk to the “Skinny Caucasian Guy” to get pain relief. I assume that painkillers would also help me fall asleep, as well as relieve the pain from my workout today.
d.: Why did the inmate’s cellie need pain relief?
C.: He said that his feeling fell out.
d.: His what now?
C.: His feeling fell out of his tooth, and it really hurt. He couldn’t see the dentist for a few days, so he wanted something to help with his pain. His cellie said that you could help him.
d.: (For a minute there, I thought the inmate might need to see S-I-K-E, as one of the inmates asked in a written request when he had some emotional problems.) No, Cal.E., the only thing I can give you is over the counter meds. I don’t have a license to prescribe anything stronger than that.
C.: Then to whom do I need to speak for pain relief, if not the “Skinny Caucausion Guy” ?!
d.: I’m not the “Skinny Caucausion Guy,” and I can’t prescribe narcotics!
C.: Then who are you, according to the human inmates?
d.: I’m the “Old Caucausion Guy,” and I’m a nurse, not a provider. Also, the only person who could prescribe narcotics would be the M.D.
C.: Not the dentist?
d.: In certain situations s/he can, such as immediately after a procedure is done and the patient is in acute pain; but only for a short period of time. S/He cannot prescribe anything for a chronic condition. Nurses have never been able to prescribe narcotics, though accept those with an advanced degree. Even mid-level providers can only do so with the approval of an M.D. in Texas. Even then, they can only prescribe Schedule II drugs while the patient is housed in a medical facility, because…
On September 1, 2021, a law was passed by the state legislature of Texas limiting the ability of medical professionals to prescribe schedule II drugs, a.k.a. legal narcotics. That law states that a prescription for controlled substances can only be issued for ten days post surgical event, and with no refills. However, in certain situations, that prescription can be written for two whole weeks, but no more. The prescription must be written in triplicate and the medication must be dispensed within thirty days of the prescription being written. The laws are even stricter in correctional facilities. However, in special circumstances, i.e. hospice care, three different thirty day prescriptions for controlled substances can be issued in thirty day increments for a patient in long-term acute pain….
C.: Thanks, d.c. That did the trick (zzzzz)
*This is a subjective opinion. This does not represent the opinion of the author or anyone associated with Cal.E.’s Korner or anyone presently employed at The Kennel or any other correctional facility in the state of Texas.
Comments