Cal.E.'s Korner

C.: Well, since I’m still monitoring the 119 line, I had time to watch a movie on my phone. In the entire time that d.c. have had this line set up, there have been only three calls place to it. One was a wrong number, the second was a man who’s life was so pathetic that I asked my third husband, Tucker Tucker Two, a.k.a. the (former Cat Fighter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now Simply Known As T Because Triple T Was Already Taken (by his former WACKO Cat Fighting partner, BFF and business partner, Tom the Tabby). To send him some money. Since T is the six-time World Champion of the World Association of Cat-fighting and Knowledge of Ornithology, he has plenty of money. Plus, he and Tom made some….excellent investments with the money they made as “security” for weaker cats. They kept those cats from being attacked by the Triple T Cartel, which Tom ran. T was the head hench cat, but he’s reformed since he met me. He even completed his education in The Kennel. The warden had seen T so many times that he decided to retire his number, but T made effective use of his time. He not only improved his cat-fighting skills, but he also got a Doctorate in Playing and Hiding while on the inside.

Anyway, the movie I just watched brought up some questions. Like, at the end of the movie, the bad guy turned good guy ran out of bullets just as he was about to kill the dirty cop. So, he lit up a cigarette and then doused a stack of one-hundred-dollar bills that the dirty cop had collected with his misdeeds with a can of gasoline. That made me wonder…Why is there always some type of accelerant available when someone wants to burn something up in a movie? And wouldn’t the bad guy turned good guy have been just as successful if he’d doused the bad cop with gasoline and used one one-hundred-dollar bill? Since the bad cop was Bruce Willis, he couldn’t have just set his hair on fire, but he could have dropped the cigarette on Bruce’s shirt after he doused it with gasoline. And…(ring)

That’s strange. I guess we now have a fourth caller.

“Hello, 119. How is your life so amazing that you must call just to brag about it?”

JG. Oh, oh, oh. It’s Joe Groan, dontcha know?

C.: Do you mean the one-hundred -thirty-fifth rated podcaster in the northwestern corner of Southeast Texas is calling on the 119 line? To what do I owe this pleasure, may I ask?

JG. You may.

C.:….And what is the reason for this call?

JG. Well, I have the answer to the question you asked your caller yesterday.

C.: Do you mean that you know what the T in T. Puppy Katt’s name stands for?

JG.: I do.

C.: And what is it?

JG.: I will tell you, if you let me elaborate on some of the points your partner made yesterday.

C.: Okay, go ahead.

JG. Well, first, the Houston Astros will not win the World Series this year.

That’s because they’ve begun to adhere to the New York Yankees/ Los Angeles Dodgers philosophy of throwing money at all their problems. How many World Series have each of these franchises won?

C.: Oh, I don’t know, but I think it’s around… a lot!

JG. Okay, moving on. Just because the Yankees have won more World Series than any other team in Major League Baseball does not mean that they have the correct philosophy for winning baseball games.

C.: Excuse me? That sounds like an oxymoron.

JG. What did you just call me?

C.: No, not you. I meant a direct contradiction in terms.

JG.: Yes, well. The Texans will never win a Super Bowl, no matter who their coach is. In fact, they should just hold the Super Bowl in Houston every year to keep any team from having a home field advantage.

C.: Hurtful, but accurate. What about the Rockets?

JG. The Rockets are good at hand-to-hand combat, just not basketball. They proved that in last year’s playoff series with the Golden State Warriors.

C.: Okay, what about Houston’s soccer teams?

JG.: Those don’t count.

C.: It’s only the most popular game in the entire world!

JG> And how many games have you been to while you’ve lived in Houston?

C.:…Okay, point taken. So, now will you answer the question about the dog’s name?

JG. What dog?

C.: Not a hot dog.

T. Puppy Katt.

JG.: I thought we were talking about a dog, but it looks like our time is up for the day. I must prepare for my blog tomorrow, so that’s all the time we have for today. Always remember that I’m Joe Groan, and you are wrong if you disagree with me.