C.: Hold on, d.c. This thing is beeping. I think it’s an explosive device! It’s about to explode! Go back in your house and cover your ears! I’ll try to throw it as far as I can. (Meow, meow, meow). Oh, wait. Someone is speaking Catonese. You can come back, d.c. It’s just a listening device that was put into the space ship. It’s from a cat, so maybe this cat is from my home planet. I’ll see if he or she speaks English, so you can listen to.
d.: That would be good, but I do know that basics of Catonese if the alien doesn’t speak English.
C.: Do-you-speak- English?
(I do, to whom am I speaking, please?)
C.: (Wow, this alien has better command of the English language than I do). My name is Calculating Einstein Kat, and I’m from the planet Earth. Your spaceship landed in my back yard. Thanks for the dinner, by the way.
E.: Oh, dear. I didn’t intend for my little friend to get eaten by an alien cat. My name is Elac, and I’m a vegetarian cat. I believe that all creatures great and small should be on equal footing. No one or nothing should eat another animal.
C.: Sorry, but that mouse was just sitting there in your space ship, and I was hungry. He was going to die, anyway, if he had no way to get back to your planet. The spacecraft crash landed here, and I didn’t think that he could breathe our air.
E.: Ou, contraire. I’ve studied your planet. Your air is 21% oxygen and 78% nitrogen. That leaves a full one percent as inert ingredients, according to c.d. toks, who wrote a best -selling book about that. He studies other planets and writes “what if” type books. He knew that life did exist on your planet, because our leading scientists, Dr. Buddy Bones has landed on your planet and spent a good bit of his life there. Our atmosphere here on HTRAE IS 21% nitrogen and 78% oxygen. I put enough oxygen in the tank on the mouse’s back to last him for the rest of his life expectancy, in case I made a mistake with my calculations and he landed on your planet. Dr. Bones said that your planet seemed to be devoid of intelligent life, so I doubted anyone there would be able to help my little friend.
C.: How did Dr. Bones survive without enough oxygen?
E.: He adjusted to your planet’s atmosphere, after he landed on your planet and ran out of oxygen. When he was wondering around, trying to discover your planet, he was mistaken for a stray dog by the dog catcher. He was taken back to a strange place called the kennel. Since no one there spoke Dogma, they didn’t know that he was an alien. It worked out well, though. He was fostered and then adopted by a kind couple who fed and housed him for his whole thirteen years on your planet. They were kind enough to feed him and let him have free reign of their house. That left him plenty of time to do research. He figured out a way to get back here just recently.
C.: ELAC, is Dr. Buddy Bones about eightenn inches tall on all fours and weighs about 25-30 pounds. Andi is he a black and tan mixed breed medium-sized dog?
E.: You just described him perfectly. Did you know him when he was on your planet?
C.: You might say that. We were adopted by the same family. He would have spent the rest of his time here in the kennel if not for them. He and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but we’re cats and dogs, earth’s mortal enemies.
E.: Oh, my! Here on HTRAE, cats and dogs are best friends. We keep humans as our pets.
C.: And, I assume, you’re a mathematical genius.
E.: Why, yes, how did you know?
C.: Your name is ELAC, mine is Cal.E. I can only count to two, so I assumed that you were a mathematician.
E.: I don’t follow.
C.: We live on mirror planets, and our names are the inverse of each other. It figures that you are the complete opposite of me.
E.: So, you’re a carnivorous cat that never finished obedience school?
C.: Yes, but I have a good job now, and I was recently promoted to management.
E.: That doesn’t bode well for me. Anyway, if there were some mathematical equations on board that ship, you must destroy them immediately. DR. Bones may make contact with someone on your planet and convince that person to give them to him. Then, he plans to come and destroy your planet, little by little, after he takes all of y’all precious resources.
C.: Isn’t he a little old to be trying to take over the world?
E.: Not at all. Here on HTRAE, cats and dogs live into their seventies and eighties. Humans, the poor dears, are lucky to live twenty years!
C.: Well, getting back those calculations may be a problem. My friend and neighbor, d.c. scot has them and he’s trying to use the formula to make a fortune so that he can retire from his job as a nurse at the kennel. I don’t have opposable thumbs, so I’ll have a hard time taking them out of his hands. I’ll see what I can do, though.
“Oh, d.c. You need to bring back those calculations before Dr. Buddy Bones uses them to come back here and destroy our planet! (Now, where could he be? He’s not answering his phone or my yowls.)
Tune in tomorrow, folks, and see if Cal.E. is successful in finding d.c. and destroying the calculations that could spell doom for the whole planet.