C.: Hi, d.c., what are you up to now?
d.: About six feet, Cal.E. Why?
C.: I meant what are you doing now?
d.: I’m trying to work...
C.: At writing or at your nursing job at The Kennel?
d.: I’m writing. Actually, I’m rewriting. To quote James Patterson, “Writing is rewriting.”
C.: Okay, do you have time to talk, then?
d.: Yes, Cal.E., I do. I’m at a stopping place for the day, actually. What do you want to talk about?
C.: Football…
d.: American Football? I thought you hated the sport.
C.: I must have been having a bad day. I love football when it’s good to me.
d.: (I’m almost afraid to ask this) but how so?
C.: Well, I’m glad that Hamlin guy will probably be okay, eventually, but not playing the rest of Monday night’s game really messed me up.
d.: Cal.E., are you gambling on football again? C.: It’s not gambling if you never lose. I’m up eight hundred dollars this year. How much money have you won this year?
d.: As I’ve said many times before, I don’t bet on things I can’t control. Betting on one’s self is the best thing a human can do…
C.: But I'm a cat! I’m not human! Besides, I have a foolproof system. Them not finishing the game Monday night put me in a bind, though. I had the over on points in that game. I think the bookie will just call it a ‘push,’ though, so I’m good.
d.: It does sound like you know what you’re doing. So tell me, what is your system?
C.: Well, first I study the expected point differential according to the power rankings of each team. Then, I put in total yards gained and points scored by each team into my computer program. And then, I enter how many takeaways each team's defense has garnered for the season. After that, I put in the weather conditions and see how each team fairs with said weather conditions. I then figure in the point differential of each team’s games this year, and how each quarterback performs in “clutch situations.” I also figure in the number of wins and losses each coach has for his lifetime and each team has for the season. Then, I enter the expected attendance at each game and see if it offers the home team an advantage. Then, I pick the team with the coolest uniforms.
d.: And you’re up $800.00? Which team did you pick when my and Horace’s alma maters played each other in our bowl game?
C.: Your team, of course.
d.: I’m loyal to my school, Cal.E., but I thought Horace’s team had better uniforms than ours!
C.: Yes, but y’all’s helmets were way cool!
d.: They were at that, Cal.E. My team was trying to honor their late coach who died last month. He was known as “The Pirate,” so my team had a flag with a Jolly Roger as its insignia on their helmets.
Well, that’s all the time we have for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow for another edition of Cal.E.’s Corner.
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