C.: (ring) I’ll try to clear my mind with rhetorical questions while I wait for d.c. to answer his phone, since I can’t occupy my mind with work while I’m on a sabbatical for a week. So, “Robots are basically just computers. Since all computers function on only two digits, zero and one, if a robot declares itself nonbinary, is it still a robot?” (ring)
d.: Hello, Cal.E. Is that you?
C.: Yes, it is me, Cal.E., the last of the talking cats…
d.: I thought that your ex-husband and some of your kittens were able to talk.
C.: I was just playing around with a figure of speech. What’s up with you?
d.: Just a little organ failure…
C.: Oh my CAT! Are you at the hospital, or do you need my mom or dad to come drive you to the emergency room?
d.: No, that won’t be necessary. I was trying to write a song, but my keyboard woudn’t work. I think it just needs new batteries.
C.: So, it’s your musical organ. What are you doing now, then?
d. : Since it’s New Year’s Eve, I’m watching all the college football bowl games.
C.: Oh, is your alma mater playing today? d.: No, they won’t play until Monday, but they’re playing Horace’s alma mater. Eudora and Hortense are going shopping, and Horace and I are going to watch the game on my big screen T.V.
C.: I thought Horace’s alma mater had a losing record. How did they get to go to a bowl game?
d.: The team we were going to play didn’t have enough players to play the game, so the bowl committee invited Horace’s alma mater to play, since that team has a high graduation rate for its athletes. It’s almost 13%!
C.: I thought the “Great Covid Crisis” was more or less over, so why is the team short players?
d. : It is, but the team we were going to play has too many players declaring early for the NFL draft. They’re all scared of getting hurt before they embark on their pro careers.
C.: That sounds selfish to me.
d.: Yes, it is a little selfish, but only three games mean anything, anyway. I can’t really blame them for not wanting to risk not getting a professional contract.
C.: I just don’t see what you, Horace, and most males like so much about “American Football.” I tried to watch a game with Dad once, but the announcers were complaining about the referees dropping their “dirty laundry” on the field. That seemed extremely rude to me, so I stopped watching.
d.: No, Cal.E. The announcers meant that the referees were calling a lot of penalties. It sounds like a sloppily played game, though. Watching it probably wouldn’t have been enjoyable.
C.: What's a penalty?
d.: It’s what officials call when someone does something wrong…
C.: I’m not following you
d.: When someone does something against the rules…
C.: I still don’t understand.
d.: Like, when someone does something illegal, like all the people in The Human Kennel did.
C.: Then why don’t the players go to The Human Kennel?
d.: Because, what they’re doing isn’t illegal, except for when playing the game of football…
C.: So, they’re penalized for something that doesn’t really hurt someone? And why would someone do something they know is against the rules?
d.: Well, sometimes, it’s preferable to take a penalty instead of what might happen. For instance, an offensive lineman might throw an illegal block to keep his quarterback from getting hurt. Or a defensive back may commit pass interference instead of letting a receiver catch a long pass. The penalty is only fifteen yards in college football.
C.: So, again, it’s not like anyone is getting hurt by what they’re doing, so why penalize them?
d.: Hmm. Well, I can think of one exception to what you’re saying. Targeting is when one player hits another player in the head or neck area with his headgear.
C.: That does sound dangerous, d.c. You of all people should know that it isn’t a good idea to use your head as a battering ram.
d.: Why would you say that…. whatever your name is? What were we talking about?
C.: How much money you owe me…
d.: Let's see, carry the one, divide by two, multiply by four. No, we’re all square.
C.: (The one thing he does still have a good memory for is numbers. Just my luck!) What happens when someone commits a targeting penalty?
d.: That player must sit out for the rest of the game. If the penalty is committed in the second half, that player must sit out one-half of the next game.
C.; What if it’s the last game of the season?
d.: Then that player sits out the first half of the first game of the next season.
C.: What if that player graduates, or declares for the NFL draft? Does another player then serve the penalty for that player, like they sometimes do in a hockey game?
d.: That’s all the time we have for today, folks, Please join us tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Corner.
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