d.: Well, Cal.E. is at work today and I’m off. Consequently, I’ll be bringing you Cal.E.’s corner solo. Cal.E. did a good job with her terms for a “brought on,” (see below), but there are more terms that those moving to Texas may need to know to fit in. I’ll complete Cal.E.’s list of terms, and clarify some that she has already given you.
(A lot of these terms are exclusive to Houston and Southeast Texas, but may apply in other parts of "God's Country.")
Brought on: Someone who is not from Texas. I’m technically a “brought on,” but I have been in Texas for thirty-six years. I feel that I have been naturalized.
Yankees and foreigners: Cal.E. didn’t expound on these two terms enough. A Yankee would be someone from somewhere like Oklahoma. A foreigner would be from a distant land, such as Indiana.
Southerner: Someone from below the Mason-Dixon Line, but not from Texas. These people are mostly welcome in Texas. It could be someone from Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, New Mexico, or Arizona. People from California, though, are NOT southerners, and native Louisianans are in a class by themselves.
Open up a can of whoop ars: What will be done by a Texan to anyone caught rooting for the New York Yankees in Texas.
Backasserds: How most Yankee fans think
Winter: in South Texas, this is the three days during the year that one might need to wear something heavier than a flannel shirt. A light jacket will usually suffice. This season usually occurs sometime between early January and early March.
Summer: Occurs immediately after Winter if Winter occurs in early March. May last until late October or, in some cases, late November or early December.
Spring: What falls out of an old-fashioned watch when the back is taken off it.
Fall: What occurs when one loses his or her balance.
Mattress Mac: Also known as Jim McIngvale. This is a generous, hard-working individual who has probably helped put Houston “on the map” as much as anyone else. I would venture to say that if I mentioned this name to someone who was from a place as far away as Chicago, s/he would know to whom I’m referring.
Mattress Mac owns and operates the Gallery Furniture stores in Houston. Gallery was formerly a discount store. Now, though, these stores only carry top-of-the-line furniture that only well-held individuals can afford. Mattress Mac, however, gives generously to charities in and around Houston, so most of us don’t mind paying higher prices for his furniture.
Snake: This can refer to the reptile, or someone who is a slick salesman or otherwise dishonest person
The toll road: There are several possibilities. It can be the Westpark Toll Road, the Fort Bend Toll Rod, or part of Beltway 8. Pay attention to the location during the traffic reports.
Traffic Reports: THE most important bit of information you will need when you move to Houston. Each Houstonian has his or her favorite person to listen to about this. Pick one that you believe in, and listen to that person religiously before you embark on a trip into Houston. It may save you an eternity in lost time sitting in traffic.
Weather Report: Important during Hurricane season. Otherwise, it usually goes like this, “Ninety-degree (plus) heat with humidity nearing one hundred percent by noon. It will cool off to the high eighties tonight, with a thirty percent chance of scattered showers.”
Even though this is almost always the same, the weather report is second only to the traffic report in importance to Houstonians. Find a weather person and watch him or her religiously. It will give you something to talk about and to argue about with another person. You will fit in and not be thought of as a “brought on” if you do this.
The Beltway: Beltway 8. It makes a circle around most of Greater Houston, but all the main lanes aren’t complete yet. The highway department hasn’t had time to do complete it yet. It just only opened in 1989.
The Loop: Interstate 610. This makes a complete loop around the whole city of Houston
A wreck on Interstate 610: These occur on days that end in “Y” in Houston. The driver just needs to know where the wreck is, so that s/he can avoid it, if possible.
The outer, outer loop: This is Highway 99. It makes a long arch around about three-fourths of Houston. If you own a sports car, this is a good place to have some fun, but only if you drive north of I-10.
The Med Center: This is the Texas Medical Center. It is located just south of downtown Houston. It has some of the best hospitals in the nation, but some of the worst traffic to reach them. The parking is also very expensive. However, many of these hospitals are building satellite offices in the larger suburbs such as Sugar Land, The Woodlands, and Kingwood. This relieves some of the traffic. If you have a serious medical condition, though, you will probably still be sent to this location to be treated.
Other things “brought-ons’’ might need to know when they move to Texas: If you move to Houston, and you’re a sports fan, look for the player with number 34. No matter what sport you may be watching, this is probably the best and most revered player on the team. If you would like to survive your time in Houston, never utter the words, “Number thirty-four is a bum.”
Also, if someone says, “Hi, how y’all doin’?” S/he is inquiring how you are at that exact moment. That person doesn’t need to know your entire medical history. However, if you possess information about where the wreck on I-610 is, please share it with this individual. You will have made a lifelong friend.
I’m d.c. scot. Please join me and my co-host tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Corner.
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