Ladies and gentlemen, cats of all ages; let’s get ready to rrrrrumble
d.: Hey, Cal.E. What are you watching? Whatever it is, it must be interesting. Look at the crowd!
C.: Hi, d.c. come on in. You’re just in time to watch the “Catfight of the Century.”
In the orange corner, wearing in at nine and one-half pounds, the original “Triple T,” Tom the (orange) Tabby. And, in the black corner, weighing in at 42 ½ pounds, “The Tuxedo,” Tucker, Tucker Two.
C.: Tom and Tucker have gone their separate ways, after a big argument. Tom wanted Tucker to sit on his brother, and Tucker refused to do it. That caused so many hard feelings between the two cats that they decided to settle the argument in the ring.
This is a “Texas Cage Match Cat Fight.” It doesn’t have a predetermined number of rounds. The fight will continue until one cat is too tired to continue and walks out of the ring, or the other cat makes him say the word for defeat in catfights.
d.: What word is that, Cal.E.?
C.: “Dog.” As in “I am a dog.” No cat wants to say that about him or herself, so it’s the ultimate insult to a cat!
d.: Cal.E., you know these events are staged, don’t you? The participants are told before the fight which one wins and which one loses. They are just trying to take your hard-earned money to watch this event. That whole story about these two “parting ways” was made up, I’m sure. After the fight, they will probably go eat some kibble and catnip together.
C.: Cat fighting is NOT fake! I suppose next you will tell me that humans really DID land on the moon, and all elections are totally fair and honest!
d.: (I wouldn’t go THAT far) but humans DID land on the moon. You claim to have come from a different planet, in another galaxy, so why couldn’t humans land on the moon?
C.: Well, I paid fifty bucks to watch this on pay-per-view. Even if it IS fake, I hope it’s, at least, entertaining. The WACO, or World Association of (Fighting) Cats Organization even imported a Siamese cat from Asia to referee the match to ensure that it is a fair fight! He’s about to give directions to the two fighters.
d.: You’ll need to translate for me, then, Cal.E. I don’t speak Catonese!
C.: He’s telling them to give each other a high three with their front paws and come out ready to fight. Since there are no rules, the referee’s only job is to declare when the fight is over and which cat has won the fight.
d.: It looks like ALL “Triple T” is doing is running away from “The Tuxedo.” That seems like a good strategy, though, judging from the size of each cat.
C.: Yes, it does. “Triple T” went up several weight classes to fight his old henchman. “The Tuxedo” reasoned that “Triple T” would try to wear him down, so he lost almost five pounds for this fight. He often fights other cats in the “Super Heavy Weight” division at over fifty pounds. He’s down to a svelte forty-two and one-half pounds for this fight.
d.: Yes, “Triple T” is borrowing his strategy from the greatest heavyweight of all time, Mohammed Ali.
C.: I didn’t know you followed human cat fighting, d.c.
d.: It’s called “boxing” in the human world. Ali was a light heavyweight Olympic Gold Medalist, but he wanted to fight in the division that paid the most money; so he gained enough weight to fight in the heavyweight division. Everyone knows who he was now, because, not only was he a great fighter, he was also a very good promotor for the sport. He’s probably responsible for the multi-million-dollar fights that occur on a regular basis now.
When he was a young fighter, Ali fought one of the most powerful heavyweights who ever boxed, George Forman, for the Heavyweight title. Ali said he knew that, if Forman ever landed a solid punch, he would win by knockout. So, Ali got into tip-top shape and employed what he called the “roper doper.” He would get close enough to Forman to get him to try to punch, duck, and lean into the ropes. That gave him enough momentum to get a good body punch into Forman’s abdomen.
It didn’t bother Forman at first. However, after about six or seven rounds of Ali doing This and then dancing around the ring as Forman chased him; the six-four, two-hundred-fifty pound (plus) Foreman was so tired that he let his guard down. Ali then landed the knockout blow that ended the fight. It looks like “Triple T” is emulating the G.O.A.T.!
C.: What is “The Tuxedo” doing? He’s lifting his front paws in the air and saying, “No mas!” What does that mean, d.c.?
d.: It means he’s conceding, Cal.E. “No mas” is Spanish for “no more.” He’s quitting the fight. Apparently, his prefight meal didn’t agree with him, and he has a stomachache. That happened in a human boxing match, but it was between two middleweights.
C.: What happened then, d.c.?
d.: A rematch. I’ll bet you your whole next paycheck against mine that’s what will happen with this fight. There will be another fight, and the cable company will probably charge you even more to watch it. Then, the two fighters and the promotors, along with the cable company, will stick a massive amount of money in their pockets for broadcasting the rematch. This is predictable as human wrestling!
C.: That reminds me. I have two tickets to “The Royal Rumble” next week at The Toyota Center. You can go with me, if you promise not to tell me how it will end.
d.: How would I be able to do that, Cal.E.? Human professional wrestling is as real as you are!
C.: That’s all the time we have for today, folks. Join us tomorrow for another episode of “Cal.E.’s Corner.”