I am Iron Man
Has he lost his mind? Can he see or is he blind? Can he walk at all Or if he moves, will he fall?
Is he alive or dead? Has he thoughts within his head? We'll just pass him there Why should we even care?
He was turned to steel In the great magnetic field When he traveled time For the future of mankind
Nobody wants him He just stares at the world Planning his vengeance That he will soon unfurl
Now the time is here For Iron Man to spread fear Vengeance from the grave Kills the people he once saved
Nobody wants him They just turn their heads Nobody helps him Now he has his revenge
Heavy boots of lead Fills his victims full of dread Running as fast as they can Iron Man lives again
C.: Ralph?
Ralph: MOM?!
C. And Ralph (in unison): WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
Ralph: Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young II (+2) is playing at the Folsom Prison tonight. Why are you here, Mom?
C.: I’m setting up a new program for working pets in California for The Kennel. I’m starting in Folsom! Go figure. We’re here at the same time. At least I’ll get to take in some good live entertainment before I start my work tomorrow.
Ralph: Yeah, and I have five hours to kill before rehearsal for the concert. I don’t know what to do with that time.
C.: Well, how about a little “hair of the dog that bit us?” We can talk over some catnip. I’ll even buy it for us.
Ralph: That sounds good, Mom. Just meet me at the pet bar. I want to make sure my bass is unloaded and isn’t damaged in the process.
C.: How can a fish be damaged?
Ralph: You KNOW that I’m talking about my instrument, Mom, NOT a fish. I’ll meet you in ten…
Ten minutes later, at the pet bar
Ralph: Mom, we have some time to kill. Tell me something. That bartender in London said the guy in the airport wasn’t d.c., and you said he was. Why do you think it was d.c., and why would he be able to run that fast at his age?
C.: Well, sit beside me, my youngest son, and I will tell you the story of how d.c.’s career as an athlete begun (according to me)
Sometime in the last century (why would a cat care about time frames?)
d.: Man! I’m out of shape! I had trouble climbing one flight of stairs, and I’m a former high school athlete. I need to do SOMETHING! My friend at work is training for an Ironman distance triathlon. I wonder what those entail? I will just sit here and stare off into space until my dial-up internet connection comes up… Okay, that sounds really HARD! A two-point -four-mile, open water swim, followed by a 112-mile bicycle ride over hot, hilly terrain, and then run a 26.2-mile marathon, all in under 17 hours! Wow! This won’t be easy, but I do want to get into tip-top shape.
I see an opening for a slot to be claimed for one in November, at the end of the season. Maybe I can get into shape by then. I’ll need to do some things first, though. Let me make a list.
Number one: Learn to swim
Number two: Buy a bicycle
Number three: Learn to ride a bicycle…
Ralph: Hold on, Mom. You’re telling me you don’t think that a full-grown, thirty-five-year-old man knew how to swim or ride a bicycle?
C.: Who’s telling this story, me or you?! Now, where was I?! Oh, yes. d.c.’s list of things to take care of before competing in his first Ironman distance triathlon.
d.: At least, I have number four covered. I already know how to run. I need to see how well, though. There’s a five-kilometer run next week. I’ll enter that and see how well I do. I should probably try to save my legs until then, though, so I’ll rest them as much as possible until the race.
One week later
d.: (Puff, puff) Where is my asthma rescue inhaler?! Now, I need to amend my list.
Number four: Learn to run FASTER!
And then, d.c. trained for four years, competing in shorter distance triathlons, including four one-half Ironman distance triathlons until he felt comfortable that he could compete in an Ironman distance triathlon. The end.
Ralph: The story needs more, Mom. Like, was d.c. successful in completing the Ironman within the legal time limit? What inspired him to write the book about training for the Ironman? And did he ever compete in another one?
C.: These questions, and more, will be answered in d.c. scot’s upcoming book “Beyond the Thirteenth Mile; The Iron Man Chronicles.” Coming soon!
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