d.: You are looking very dapper this evening Cal.E. What’s up?
C.: I am just enjoying my hard-earned winnings. I would like to share some of it with you, as I did with my family.
d.: What did you buy everyone in your family, Cal.E.?
C.: I bought Mom and Dad a new CARbon monoxide sensor switch (since I ruined the old one when the alarm went off in the middle of my morning nap). I bought each of my human brothers a CARbonated beverage. And I bought a new catnip plant for the other two cats that I live with (to replace the one I uprooted).
d.: I see. But you said that you wanted to share your ”hard-earned” money with me. How so?
C.: Why did you use air quotes around hard-earned? I WORKED for that money! Tapping Tom’s phone and computer was NOT an easy job!
d.: Okay, Cal.E., sure. What were you planning on buying for me, then?
C.: Well, since you ARE my best (and only) friend, I was going to buy you the most expensive gift. I can either buy you an engine for your Mustang, or a tank of gas for your truck. I would like to buy you both, but I do have limited resources.
d.: That’s a tough choice. I would like to get the engine to put into my new classic car, but I need gas to go to my nursing jobs. I suppose that, with the extra money I earn from working extra shifts, I can buy the engine for the car. I will take the tank of gas for my truck, please. And THANK YA, THANK YA, THANK YA VERY MUCH!
C.: I think I may need to make the choice for you. You have been working too much, d.c. You are starting to channel Elvis again!
d.: What are you saying, Freddie? That you will NOT buy me the gas for my truck?! How many gold and platinum albums have you sold and written for Queen?! You can afford to buy gas for me, and the engine for my car.
C.: Hoo boy. d.c. is so tired from working extra shifts to earn money to buy his engine and clutch for his ‘641/2 Mustang that he thinks he’s Elvis Pressley and I’m Freddie Mercury. I suppose I should humor him to keep him from becoming upset. “Hey, E., did you ever get with our campaign manager about the election? We only have three years to put together a strategy so that we can win the offices of president and vice president of the United States on an independent ticket.”
d.: Yes. I came up with a campaign song. Do you want to hear it? Here it is.
Love me, voters, my lies are true
All my dreams fulfill
For my country I Iove you
And I always will (if I’m elected president)
Vote for Elvis, if you will
Because I am the best
In the field
I’m better than the rest
d.: What do you think, Freddie?
C.: Well, it IS better than most politicians’ campaign rhetoric. Let me take it with me and work on it. I am a songwriter, too. I will get back to you SOON!
d.: Thank ya, Thank ya, very much!
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building
!
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