C.: Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and any animals that may be reading this. I have with me today, a very special guest: the King of Rock ‘N’ Roll, Mr. Elvis Presley. Happy eighty-eighth birthday, King.
E.: Thank ya, Thank ya, Thank ya very much! I must be getting old ‘cause I saw mah life flash before my eyes last night.
C.: (You are getting old, but) That was the movie of your life, King. I asked Mom and Dad to find that movie so that you could watch it while you’re staying with me. You were going to stay with my friend, d.c. scot, but he was having some work done at his house. Something about black mold or something like that. He didn’t want you to get sick, given your advance age…
E.: Speaking of advanced age, I saw that snake, “Colonel Tom Parker” last night. I thought he was dead (good riddance if ya ask me).
C.: E., he is dead. That was an actor named Tom Hanks portraying him on the movie…
E.: Tom who now?
C.: Not Tom Whona, Tom Hanks. The most famous American actor in the world right now! Haven’t you ever heard of him?
E.: I’ve been living on an island off the coast of the Carolinas for the last forty-six years. Me, Freddie Mercury, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Jimi Hendrix are makin’ the most beautiful ever recorded on that island. We’re gonna make a comeback together and call ourselves “The King and The Four Aces.” We’re gonna be big! And that name you just said reminds me of a song. Let’s see, A whona, whona, burning Hanks. No, that ain’t it.
C.: I think the words are, “A Hunka hunka burning love. It was one of your big hits!
E.: Ya mean, like when I hit the bathroom floor and y’all all thought I was dead?
C.: Not exactly. It was one of your most successful singles. King, you’re still the best-selling single artist of all time. Why did you feel the need to fake your death and go into hiding for the last forty-six years?
E.: Ya saw the movie last night, didn’t ya, Miss Kat? That snake, Tom Hanks, stole all my money. Me and my daddy were broke. I couldn’t give no money to my stepbrothers or the “Memphis Mafia” to take care of him. I shoulda shot him through the T.V. last night.
C.: I don’t think that would have worked, for two reasons. One, it was a movie. And two, it was an actor portraying the man known as Colonel Tom Parker. The real person who assumed that name died almost thirty years ago.
E.: Well, that’s good. That man lied to me and everyone else the whole time I knew him. My best friend finally told me who he really was, a carny worker who was born in The Netherlands. He never served time in the U.S. Military, only the Louisiana Militia. The term “Colonel” was an honorary one. The militia ain’t got no ranking officers. Man, you talk about stolen valor!
C.: (I think I need to change the subject. Elvis was known for having firearms accessible at all times. I’m afraid of what he might do if he gets too worked up.) Uh, King, a little known fact about you is that you are a big football fan. What do you think the possibility is of the greatest NFL quarterback of all time, David Carr, getting into the Hall of Fame? I’m pretty sure that he’s eligible by now.
E.: What’s a David Car? Is that one of them fancy ‘lectric cars they got now that don’t use no gas?
C.: No, King. He was a football player. He was the Houston Texans’ first ever draft choice. Then, he went to the New York Giants and won a Super Bowl ring (even though he never got on the field during the game). He should be elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame!
E.: The Houston who now? And what happened to the Oilers?
C.: The Oilers moved to Tennessee and became the Titans. The NFL awarded Houston a new franchise a few years later. They’re called the Texans.
E,: It don’t matter to me… that sounds like good lyrics for a song, too. Anyway, it’s January. My favorite team, the Pittsburgh Steelers should be playin’ in the Super Bowl in the next week or two, like they do every year.
C.: No, King. The playoffs haven’t even started yet. They moved the Super Bowl to February.
E.: I been gone too long for this mess. I’m goin’ back to mah island, where ah can be the real king and make mah own rules.
C.: That’s all the time we have for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow, when (hopefully) my cohost will be back after his house is repaired and he’s back to himself again, and not his alter ego.
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