C.: Now, where would Tom be at this time of day when it’s raining and he’s missing his best bud? Yes, that’s where he’ll be, the cat toy hall. He’ll go there and try to hustle some money in some cat toy games... ..
Tom what are you doing?
Tom: I’s tinking. Dis is da bes’ way fir me ta do it. Yea, dat’s it. Dat’s what I's'll do. Hey, Cal.E. I needs a cat dat speaks English. Tucker tol’ me dat ya’s can do dat, right?
C.: I suppose that’s true. What did you have in mind?
Tom: Wells, I could pay tucker back, but dat would cos’ me half my portfolio. I gots a hot tip on some stock, doe. I needs a cat dat speaks both English and Catonese ta talk ta my broker over da phone. If’n ya’s kin do dat, I kin pay Tucker back pronto.
C.: you have twenty million dollars?! The gambling and loan shark industry must be doing well!
Tom: Yea, it pays me good. Now, my cousin is da house cat of dis corporate raider, see? An’ he has it on good authority dat his dad is goin’ ta buy dis company dat’s been failin’ good. I kin get da stock fir cheap, and sell it at a big profit when my cousin’s dad buys da company. I also needs ya to talk to my bank an’ get enough doe ta buy da stock. Are ya game ta hlep me?
C.: I suppose if it will help Tucker get his money back I can help.
Two hours later
C.: Tom, I’ve made the necessary phone calls. You now own 500,00 shares of Jones Import/Export Amalgamated Incorporated. I hope you know what you’re doing. It was $40 a share, so it cost your entire life savings.
Tom: I does.
C.: I guess I can stay here with you tonight and help implement your plan tomorrow. Me staying here tonight will save time.
The next day 0900
C.: Tom, are you seeing this? Your stock is plummeting! You’re going to lose all your money!
Tom: Jus’ waits ‘til noon. Dat’s when me cousin’s dad is gonna make da announcement dat he bought da company.
C.: I hope that you’re right, because yours, Tucker’s and my future all ride on this risky investment.
Three hours later:
And, in financial news, corporate raider Dan Johnson has bought Jones Import/Export Amalgamated Incorporated. The stocks for the company were bottoming out this morning, but they’re recovering nicely now. The price is up to sixty dollars a share after bottoming out at twenty dollars a share this morning. They’re worth one and one-half as much as they were yesterday.
C.: Do you want me to call your broker now, Tom? The stocks are worth one one-half as much as they were when you bought them. You can make a lot of money by selling now.
Tom: Wait fir it. I has it on good authority dat dey’ll go ups ta eighty a share by closin’ time.
And, the story of the day, thirty minutes before the market closes, Jones stock is $79 a share.
C.: Don’t you want to sell now, Tom?
Tom.: Wait fir it..
Jones is now up to eighty dollars a share.
Tom: Call da broker now! Tell him ta unload all da stock fir Jones!
C.: Wow, Tom, you just doubled your money. You really are smart. We just need to work on your diction, since you dropped out of obedience school…
Tom: We ain’t married nor even datin’. Ya shoudn’t be talkin ‘bout stuffs like dat.
C.: No, Tom, your diction is the way you talk…
Tom: The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain, my good madame.
C.:Tom? I’ve never heard you talk like that!
Tom: I didn’ drops outta obedience school. I gots a advanced degree in marketin' wit a minor in mathematics an’ statistics.
C.: Then why do you talk like you do?
Tom: “’Cause, whens I gots outta advanced obedience school, I saw dat da bes’ I could do wid a whole lots o’ money investin’ it legally was six ta eight percen’. Whens I looks inta da loan shark game, I could get twenty percent on da juice. Now, I asks ya, which is more, six or twenty?
C.: i-I don’t know since I can only count to two. From what you’re saying, I gather it’s twenty. That still doesn’t tell me why you talk like you do.
Tom: It is twenty, my good cat. But…If’n I talks like’s I's sophisticated, I’s gets no respect whens I’s goes ta collects my doe. Buts if’n I talks like dis, cats an’ peoples be scared and gives me da whole monies dey owes me, and da twenty percent juice, too. Dat's 'specially true if'n I brings Big Tuck along wit' me.
C.: Well, now that you’ve doubled your money, I suppose you can retire and give up the loan shark game. You have a lot of money now, even after you pay Tucker back what you owe him. Even I know that.
Tom: Are ya’s kiddin’? I’s gots a hot tip on another company me cousin’s dad is gonna buy. I kin be da richest cat in da world, if’n I plays me cards right!
Tune in tomorrow, floks, and see if Tom is successful with his insider traidng, or if he loses all his money (and maybe asnwer the question "Why does a cat need money anyway?")
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