Ralph: Two, one-two-three-four!
Ev'rybody's talking 'bout
Bagism, Shagism, Dragism, Madism, Ragism, Tagism
This-ism, that-ism, is-m, is-m, is-m
Hit it
C'mon, ev'rybody's talking about
Ministers, sinisters, banisters and canisters
Let me tell you now
Ev'rybody's talking 'bout
Revolution, evolution, masturbation, flagellation, regulation, integrations
Meditations, United Nations, congratulations
Ev'rybody's talking 'bout
Derek Taylor, Norman Mailer, Alan Ginsberg, Hare Krishna, Hare, Hare Krishna
All
C.: Oh, hi, d.c., are you ready to write our blog post for today, March 7, 2024?
: I’m ready to write our blog posts, but it’s the ninth of March.
C.: Are you sure?
d.: I’m sure, because it’s not only one of my son’s birthday, but it’s also the day of mankind’s cruelest joke, the day the time changes to Daylight Savings Time. It’s the day that we lose an hour of sleep (groan).
C.: That can’t be right. Maybe this time change messed up my calculations. Let’s see, carry the fourteen, multiply by Pi, and, oh yes, I see what I forgot to do. I forgot to factor in DST.
d.: But the time hasn’t changed yet.
C.: It doesn’t matter. It messed up mine and ELAC’S calculations to get back here two days ago. That way, you would never have known that we were gone.
d.: But you and ELAC were gone, for two days. I had to write the blog by myself for two days.
C.: We won the war, thanks for asking.
d.: Oh, right, you and ELAC were going to save your home planet from the evil Meow Z. Tongue. How did that go?
C.: It wasn’t easy, but we won.
d.: Can you tell me how, or is it a military secret?
C.: Well, now that it’s over, I guess I can share the secret to our victory with you. Because, in the overall scheme of things, what three little people want in this world doesn't amount to a hill of beans.
d.: Say it, Cal.E.
C.: It was a dark and stormy night. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the winter of our discontent. Even the best laid plans of mice and men (and cats) sometimes go awry. Guys like us, that work on ranches, are the loneliest guys in the world. They got no family. ...
d.: Come again?
C.: Okay, ELAC and I first went to reason with the Supreme Ruler of the Cat Galaxy, but to no avail. Since we were outnumbered, outgunned, and about to be out on our keesters, we needed to come up with a plan, so we did, and we won. The end.
d.: Okay, that story has a beginning and an ending, but no backstory.
d.: Not always. Too much backstory is bad, but too little backstory is confusing. Expound, please.
C.: Well, ELAC and I decided to put our gigantic brains to work. We worked together for three catnaps…
d.: So, until mid-morning?
e up with a plan. ELAC and I built a time machine, went into the future, and defeated Meow’s militants.
d.: How?
C.: Well, food was scarce on The Planet of the Talking Cats. There is only enough food to feed the one million cats on the planet for one million two-hundred thousand, four hundred and six meals, approximately. That’s why Meow Z. Tongue decided to ration cat food. That created a lot of yowling at our fourth dinner time.
d.: What does this have to do with defeating Meow Z. Tongue and his militant mercenaries?
C.: I’m getting to that. So, when EL
AC heard the yowls, she decided to put that sound to good use. She recorded the sound of one million cat’s hungry yowls with her Smartphone Infinity. Then, we went into the future, when Meow and his merry men invaded Earth. When the soldiers were trying to overthrow the United Nations, ELAC played the recording of the hungry cats yowling on her Smartphone Infinity and all of Meow’s men dropped their weapons and fled. The noise was too much for their sensitive ears to bear. They are now scattered throughout the Earth. Only a miracle could bring them back together.
d.: (That’s why there are so many feral cats here? Because they all came from other planets?). Cal.E., that’s a good story, but I fail to see how a recording of one million hungry cats could be so annoying that it would make trained mercenaries drop their weapons and scatter throughout the Earth. What phone would be able to play anything that loud?
C.: d.c., have you ever heard one million hungry cats yowl on a Smartphone Infinity?
d.: No, I can’t say that I have.
C.: Well, listen to this…
d.: Ah!!!!! Turn it off! Please turn that recording off! I’m almost deaf in my right ear, and that even irritates my right ear.
C.: Here’s looking at you, kid.
d.: Cal.E.? Did you turn it off? I can’t hear anything. Are we still live? Cal.E.?
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