C.: Hey, d.c. I just finished cleaning up the Human Kennel inmate’s cells. The outside workers were released from working because it sprinkled three drops of rain on them yesterday. The security staff said they had to let them stop working if it started raining. As a result, they all came in with muddy boots. When I tried to clean their cells, they all complained that they were too tired to move from working a two and one-half hour shift, but they usually work four hour shifts. I had to wait for each of them to go eat or go to rec so that I could clean their cells. It’s funny but none of them were too tired to go to eat or to the rec yard, even the ones in wheelchairs. Some of them that went to the rec yard in wheelchairs even got up and walked around the rec yard. They then sat back down in their wheelchairs and called someone from the medical department to come and push them back to their dorms!
d.: Yes, I’ve seen that happen many times in my ten years working at The Human Kennel. I don’t have time to worry about it now, though. I have a semi-emergency to deal with.
C.: What is the emergency?
d.: Well, one of the new inmates says that he’s allergic to shellfish, iodine, seafood, beef, pork, chicken, and all vegetables…
C.: So he can only eat bread?
d.: No, he’s on a gluten-free diet, so he can’t eat bread, either.
C.: So what does he eat? They don’t serve candy or cereal at meals in The Human Kennel. Does he eat eggs for every meal?
d.: No, he can’t eat those either, because if one is allergic to chicken, s/he may also be allergic to chicken eggs. That’s the only kind of eggs we have at The Human Kennel.
C.: So he must eat pork for every meal?
d.: No, he’s a Muslim. I’ve known other inmates that said the food in the mess hall didn’t agree with them. Those people used their commissary money to buy stuff that they can eat.
C.: But they're entitled to “three hots and a cot.”
d.: That’s true, but my son says that he must pay for his food and his uniforms in the branch of the armed services he enlisted in. I would say that the prisoners earn their money by working at jobs here, since they don’t get paid in money. But someone filed a lawsuit saying that making prisoners work was cruel and unusual punishment (smh). Now, the security staff can’t really make them do anything they aren’t inclined to do.
C.: It sounds like Tucker and I would have gotten a vacation if we had been sentenced to time in The Animal Kennel. Now, we must pick up litter in the public parks for four hours on every off day we have until…well, more than two weeks, I know that.
d.: It’s more like two years, Cal.E. But you still don’t want to go into the kennel. It’s not as easy as it sounds.
C.:???
d.: Well, when you get out, you can’t get a job doing anything meaningful.
C.: So, how would I eat, if I didn’t live with Mom and Dad?
d.: The government would provide you with food, shelter and clothing until you could find a job and get back on your feet again.
C.: And now Tucker and I must work every day of our lives for the next two years! I think I should have gotten a better lawyer, or maybe a worse one!
d.: You may be right, Cal.E. But at least you preserved your pride.
C.: Which I can’t eat, wear, or sleep in. (Heavy sigh).
Tune in tomorrow, folks, and find out if Cal.E. and Tucker accept their fate or decide to commit a heinous crime to get free room, board, food, and medical care.