Cal.E.'s Korner

Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life End over end, neither left, nor the right Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life

Make me, oh, make me, Lord, more than I am Make a piece in your master game plan Free from the earthly temptation below I've got the will, Lord, if you've got the toe

Bring on the brothers who've gone on before And all of the sisters who've knocked at your door All the departed, dear loved ones of mine And stick 'em up front in the offensive line

Yeah, dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life End over end, neither left, nor the right

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Paul Charles Craft

Dropkick Me Jesus lyrics © Screen Gems-emi Music Inc., Black Sheep Music

C.: Newton’s second law of thermodynamics states if the physical process is irreversible, the total entropy of a system either increases or remains constant in any spontaneous process; it never decreases.* Therefore, d.c., I’ve decided on a plan of action.

d.: Number one, how does a cat know about Newton’s second law of thermodynamics? Secondly, what is your plan of action, Cal.E.?

C.: Well, I do read a lot. I’m not very good at math, but I do have a good memory. Most cats do have good memories, and mine is definitely better than yours, d.c.

d.: Why do you say that? And what were we just talking about?

C.: About my plan to not wed Tucker, Tucker Two and be obligated to take care of his ding-bat mother for the rest of her life.

d.: You shouldn’t use that term, Cal.E. It’s not nice.

C.: Okay, I need to plan how to not wed Tucker, Tucker Two and not be obligated to take care of his ding-bat maternal parent for the rest of her life, then.

d.: That’s better…no, wait, it isn’t. Anyway, what’s your plan?

C.: I’ve been in contact with my cousin, my polar opposite, ELAC. She says that she can come to earth and take me back to her planet. It will take her one week to get here, though, because she must first redo the calculations she did for the evil Dr. Buddy Bones when he kidnapped all her kittens and forced her to do his math homework. He wanted to come to earth and commandeer all the puppy power it posessed so that he could overthrow this and several other planets, since his is running out of energy. DR. Bones was a good mathmatician, but he couldn't do that math himself, so he forced ELAC to do them for him, since she's a math genius. ELAC figured out his plan and did calcuations that sent him into orbit permanently. She did that on purpose, but she doesn’t want to miss her target and be dropkicked into space for an eternity. Fortunately, I have eight days before my wedding is planned.

d.: Why don’t you just come clean with Tucker? He seems like a reasonable cat, and he loves you. I’m sure that the two of you can come to an understanding.

C.: That may be true of Tucker, but not Tom…

d.: What does that criminal cat, Tom the Tabby have to do with any of this?

C.: Well, Tom felt so bad about mistreating Tucker for all the years he’s been employed by Tom’s cartel that he offered to pay for our wedding and our honeymoon as well as our rehearsal dinner. He’s already rented the venue, and he can’t get his deposit back this close to the event. I should have cancelled the wedding one month ago, when I started having doubts about it.

d.: A deposit isn’t that much money. Maybe I can help. How much is Tom’s deposit?

C.: One MILLION dollars! Or a couple of hundred, I’m not sure.

d.: Well, I can’t help you if you don’t know the specifics. I can’t give Tom a mil., but I might be able to swing a couple of hundred. Why don’t you call Tucker and find out what the amount is?

C.: I could do that, d.c. That would be the most logical thing to do. Or, I could…

d.: Well, that’s all the time we have for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner.

*from A FULL PARDON: THE GRAYING OF THE LAW; THE MAGRUDER MYSTERIES PENULTIMATE CHAPTER:

Cal.E.'s Korner

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