d.: Some of you have been asking to see my picture without my mask. Remember, you asked for it! I posted my picture without my mask today. Yes, I know, it's hideous. Now you know why I always wear a mask, but… (ring). That’s strange. It is Cal.E., calling me. I thought she had her phone privileges revoked.
“Hello?”
C.: Hi, Mr. Texan’s employee. Let me talk to Jack Easterby, please. I want to apply for the job of head coach of the Texans.
d.: I think you are a little confused still, Cal.E. This is d.c. Besides, you would need to talk to Nick Caserio to apply for that job…
C.: Oh, hi Nick. This is Cal.E. Kat. I want to be the “Cat in the Ring” (hehe) applying for the Texans head coaching job.
d.: (I guess the catnip has NOT worn off yet. I suppose that I should humor her so that she will not get upset). Okay, Ms. Kat. What are your qualifications for this job?
C.: I know all the best offensive plays from playing "Madden Football", so I will be my own offensive coordinator. I am undefeated (playing against myself).
d.: Okay, tell me about your game plan.
C.: I will call the best plays: The “Ghost to the Post” “Kittle to the Middle” “Hop on the Stop” Joe on the Go…”
d.: “The Ghost” (Dave Casper) and Joe Horn retired (a long time ago), Rob Kittle does NOT play for the Texans (and never has) and DeAndre Hopkins was traded…
C.: Well, at least I will have a good O-line for the G.O.A.T., David Carr. I will trade for Jim Otto, Forest Gregg, Jerry Kramer…
d.: All of those players are retired. I am not sure if some of them are even still alive.
C.: They are all listed as players when I play “Madden.”
d.: How old IS your Madden Game?
C.: Well, I got it as a present for my first birthday, so it is...
d.: Old; REALLY old.
C.: At least I will have a good defense. I will have Whitney (the) Merciless and J.J. (S)Watt anchoring the line and Zack (sack) Cunningham at linebacker…
d.: NONE of those players play for the Texans anymore!
C.: Where did they go?
d.: Hop and Watt moved to Arizona, and Cunningham now resides in Tennessee
C.: This is beginning to sound like a country song.
d.: Yes, you’re right, it DOES sound like a Jerry Jeff Walker or George Strait song (or a combination of the two)… So tell me, since David Carr retired, whom do you want to play quarterback for you?
C.: Well… I suppose I could trade for that guy that did play for New England and now plays for Tampa Bay. He was a sixth-round draft choice, so they should be willing to let him go fairly cheaply. Maybe a five and a seven…
d.: For TOM BRADY?!
C.: Yes, that IS his name. He is not very good if you ask me. I guess I would just need to make do with him as my quarterback. Okay, so, when do I start my new job?
d.: Do NOT call us (ever again)… we’ll (not) call you.
Comments