Cal.E. and d.c. have boarded a flight bound for Laguardia airport in New York City. From there, they will catch a connecting flight to Atlanta, Georgia, after changing their itinerary. They both believe that will lead them closer to the location of Cal.E.'s kidnapped youngest son, Ralph. He sent the duo a text, implying that he may be headed for Georgia, not the island in the Atlantic Ocean where d.c. believes that Elvis Pressley and Freddie Mercury are living. Both, according to d.c., are alive and well and still writing music. In the meantime, Cal.E. and d.c. are trying to pass the time until their flight boards.
C.: One, two, one, two , one…
d.: Cal.E., PLEASE stop counting to two! Here, read this trivia question that the newspaper is asking today. THAT should help pass the time.
C.: Hey, d.c, how old are you?
d.: I am old enough to remember when country music was not cool. I remember when professional wrestling matches and NASCAR races were so unpopular that they were relegated to being shown on Saturday afternoons after the weekly (yes, folks, only one game per week shown on television) baseball games. Those games were often called by one of the best, if not THE best announcer of all time, Vin Scully (rest in peace, Mr. Scully. You were truly a class act). Why do you ask?
C.: I wanted to see if you were old enough to answer this trivia question (and, apparently, you ARE, even if it is Old Testament trivia!)
d.: As I said before, no one likes a smart cat, Cal.E. Just give me the question.
C.: What Major League Baseball team is the only one ever to represent both the American and National League in the World Series?
d.: I can give you a hint, Cal.E. That team represented each league in this century in the World Series. They are one of five teams that have four appearances in the World Series this century. Maybe our readers can help you out.
C.: Why? What are YOU doing that is so important?
d.: I am reading this article on how to improve my memory. Now, where was I? Let’s see, no, it is not in this section of the paper, not this one either. This one looks right. Now, what page was that article on? What paragraph was I on?
C.: Maybe you should give up on that article, d.c.
d.: Why?!
Flight 1772 to Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport is now preboarding. All passengers report to gate six.
C.: d.c., d.c., D.C.!!!
d.: What?
C.: Didn’t you hear the announcement?
d.: About what?
C.: We need to get to gate six quickly, and we are at gate 66! Our flight is about to board (and you REALLY need to be fitted for a hearing aid or two!)
d.: Okay, get on the luggage cart, Cal.E. That will make it easier for me to run as I push this cart. (puff, puff).
C.: What‘s the matter d.c.?
d.: My asthma is acting up, and my inhaler is in my luggage. I don’t have time to rummage through my carry-on bag and find it (but I AM glad we got to our checked baggage in time for it not to be sent to Wilmington. The desk clerk said just to give it to the flight attendant. They can load it into the baggage area as long as the plane is still on the tarmac, according to “Miko”).
C.: Maybe I can help. Here, drink some of my “special” beet juice.
Whoosh
C.: Well, we DID get here quickly. Getting on that moving sidewalk and running on it was a good idea, d.c. Now we can board the plane and not need to worry anymore. I should see my youngest son soon!
Meanwhile, on planet HTRAE
Buddy Bones: Let me take a look at my handiwork. No, that is the wrong galaxy. The Almond Joy Galaxy is full of NUTS! We do NOT allow them to come here to the Mounds Galaxy! Yes, excellent! I have the Milky Way Galaxy in sight now. It was a stroke of genius to send those old geezers back to their home planet!
I convinced them that they would be rock stars if they went back home. Then, I used them to kidnap Ralph. Now, Cal.E. is looking for her youngest son. I will suck her and her companions into this wormhole and kidnap Cal.E. to do my mathematical calculations.
I miscalculated where I should send her the first time. I did my own calculations, since ELAC seems to be content just trying to drain me of all my reserves and NOT do the calculations I asked her to do. The calculations would allow me to build my perpetual motion machine.
I cannot afford to make another mistake, because I am running out of time. I only have about two years to take over the universe’s supply of power. So, I will commandeer ELAC’s mirror twin from planet Earth. She MUST be putting on an act. NO animal (even a cat) is as dumb as she pretends to be! She probably has the same I.Q. as her mirror twin here on this planet.
I will tell Cal.E. that she must give me the correct calculations if she ever wants to see Ralph alive again. Then, I will do away with ALL the humans on that plane. I do not need Mr. d.c. scot (or any other human) to feed me on THIS planet. I have opposable thumbs here! I can do anything a human can do, but I can do it BETTER! AHAHAHAH!!
Anything humans can do, I can do better (ha)
I can do anything better than them
(No, you can't) yes, I can
(No, you can't) yes, I can
(No, you can't) yes, I can, yes, I can
Anything humans can be, I can be greater
Sooner or later I'm greater than them
(No, you're not) yes, I am
(No, you're not) yes, I am
(No, you're not) yes, I am, yes I am
I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge
I can get a sparrow with a bow and arrow
I can live on bread and cheese
And only on that? (Yup)
So can a rat
Any note humans can sing, I can sing higher (Oooow!)
I can sing any note higher than humans
(No, you can't) yes, I can
(No, you can't) yes, I can
(No, you can't) yes, I can
No, you can't
Yes, I can
How do you sing that high?
I'm a hound!
Anything humans can say, I can say softer
I can say anything softer than a human
(No, you can't) yes, I can
(No, you can't) yes, I can
(No, you can't) yes, I can, yes, I can
I can drink my toilet water faster than a flicker
I can drink it quicker and get even sicker
I can open any safe
Without being caught? (Too bad)
That's what I thought, you crook
Any note humans can hold, I can hold longer
I can hold any note longer than a human
(No, you can't) yes, I can
(No, you can't) yes, I can
(No, you can't) yes, I can, yes, I
Can
Yes, you can (OOOOOOWW!!)
Where do you keep all that air?
Here (oh)
Anything humans can say, I can say faster
I can say anything faster than humans
(No, you can't) yes, I can
(No, you can't) yes, I can
(No, you can't) yes, I can
(No, you can't) yes, I can, (no, you can't) yes, yes, I can
I can jump a hurdle
I can wear a girdle
I can knit a sweater
I can fill it better
I can do most anything
Can you bake a pie? (No)
Neither can I
Anything humans can sing, I can sing sweeter
I can sing anything sweeter than humans
No, you can't
Yes, I can
No, you can't
Yes, I can
No, you can't
Yes, I can
No, you can't
oh, yes, I can
No, you can't, can't, can't
Yes, I can, can, can
(No, you can't) yes, I can
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Irving Berlin
Anything You Can Do lyrics © Concord Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group
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