Cal.E.'s Korner

Meow Z, Tongue:

Well, Cal.E, It’s getting close to the end of our stay in this five-star dump.

To pass the time, maybe you could tell me the rest A STRANGE PLANET.

C.: Alright, your immense ineptitudeness (now that he doesn’t have any power over me since he no longer is the Supreme Ruler of the Cat Galaxy where my home planet is; and I don’t live on my home planet, The Planet of the Talking Cats anymore, I can insult the evil ruler that almost ran my planet out of energy before I found the a new source of energy for the planet, the hot air that politicians produce on this planet).

Okay, I will continue with                           

A STRANGE PLANET

Tom the Tabby

let me win some minor bets, making me believe that Joe Groan’s

predictions were legitimate. Although Joe’s predictions only hit on a ten percent average, Tom rigged the betting so that I would win. Then, he told me that, since I was so good at gambling, I should bet all my money that I’d won on the Super Bowl. He said that there were so many things I could bet on that involve the Super Bowl that I could make a fortune. All I must do, he said, was follow the tip sheet that Joe Groan had made made.

I did as Tom asked, winning my bets on the Puppy Bowl

and the coin flip.

Then, Tom convinced me to go big. He said that I was on a hot streak, and I should bet on the game itself, even though I knew nothing about American football.

M.: And did you?

C.: Yes. I had done some research beforehand and at least knew that the New England Patriots were the best team in the NFL at the time, so I bet all my money (and then some) for the Pats to win, and they did, thanks to their stellar quartback, tom Brady

Not their coach, Bill Billicheat.

However, Tom said that I needed to cover the spread, and the Patriots didn’t do that. They were favored by three points to win the game, and they only one by two points, so I lost the bet. He demanded that I pay him for losing my bet, plus a ten percent “user fee.” I didn’t have to money, but I knew how to get it.

I knew where Tom the Tabby lived by now,

and I knew his schedule after observing him for about six months. One day while he was out, I took the liberty of going to his house. I found that he had practically left his house unlocked with all his money easily accessible. I found that all I must do was pick the six locks he had on his front door, pick the five locks he had on the closet where he had his vault,

and then figure out the combination to the safe….

M.: Well, I know that cats have strong claws that can pick a lock easily, but how did you figure out the combination to his vault?

C.: Because Meow, like almost all cats, Tom could only count to the number of meals he was fed per day. So, the l combination could only be a combination of ones and twos, and there is a limited number of combinations for two numbers. I tried them all until I found the right one. Then, I took Tom’s money and paid him for my gambling debt.

M.: Is that the end of the story?

C.: Hardly. When Tom got home, he went straight to his vault to put his money that he’d won in it.

When he saw that it was empty, he became suspicious. Tom wasn’t an educated cat at the time, but his head hench cat was. because he’d used the time he’d spent in The Kennel for minor transgressions to earn his Doctorate in Playing and Hiding. T spent so much time in The Kennel that the warden retired his number.…

M.: So, his head henchcat was your third husband, Tucker Tucker Two a.k.a. The Cat Fighter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now Simply Known As T Because Triple T Was Already Taken (by his former BFF, co-founder and business partner in the Triple t Cartel, one-time World Association of Cat Fighting and Knowledge of Ornithology tag -team partner and now chief rival for his seven WACKO championship belts and now arch enemy, The Original Triple T, Tom the Tabby) whom he may or may not have defeated for the middle weight  WACKO cat fighting crown?

C.: Correct. He and Tom went looking for me, but I outsmarted them.

M.: How?

C.: I knew that they would monitor d.c.’s

and my mom and dad’s emails,

so I sent the lyrics to songs with names of cities in them, implying that was where I was hiding. However, I hid under my bed the whole time.

M.: So, if you wrote the lyrics to “He Went To Paris” by Jimmy Buffet,

he would think you were in France

C.: Correct. However, when I sent the lyrics to d.c.’s favorite song, “Amarillo by Morning”

by George Strait, d.c. decided to go there and look for me on a big ol' jet airliner

I had to stop him before he wasted his time and money, so I came out of hiding, but Tom and T were on the same flight.

M.: and then what happened?

C.: Well, as you well know, T is an excellent cat fighter, maybe the best the world has ever seen;

and Tom wanted his money back, but T was kind of already sweet on me. That gave d.c. an idea. He told Tome that he would train me for two months to cat fight T. If I won, all my gambling debts would be forgiven. However, if T won, I would have to pay Tom double what I owed him plus interest. Tom was so greedy that he agreed to this deal.

M. So, what happened at the Cat fight?

C.: I’m sorry, Meow, but it’s time for my early evening pre-sleep cat nap, so that’s the end of today’s cat ta(i)le.

Please join us next time for another edition of Cal.E.’s Korner.