(ring)
TTT Hello.
C.: Yes, this is Cal.E. Katt, and I understand you have my son Ralph. I just want to warn you that he has a medical condition that may be fatal if it isn’t treated properly.
TTT.: What condition is that?
C.: If I told you that, I would be violating HIPPA regulations. Ralph must sign a consent form and it must be notarized, and the notary’s notarization must be notarized as well.
TTT.: But, he’s your son. Can’t you tell me so he won’t die?
C.: He’s an adult, so I must have his consent to tell you what it is.
TTT.: Well, can you at least tell me what kind of vet he needs to see?
C.: All I can tell you is that you can call The Kennel. They have all of his health records their. Just tell them that you have Ralph Katt in your care, and you need to make an appointment for him to treat his condition.
(That should keep him occupied most of the day, especially if d.c. answers the phone. He knows what’s going on, so he’ll distract Ralph while Sixto and I make a daring rescue attempt. I HAVE A TRACER ON Ral[h’s phone, so this shouldn’t be too hard.).
TTT.: Okay, let me call The Kennel. (ring)
d.: The Kennel, the criminal and wayward animal’s choice in the southwestern tip of Southeast Texas to serve a sentence of punishment for your misdeeds. We were voted the most accommodating kennel six years in a row by former and present inmates, excluding those that were declared mentally incompetent. If you must do time, do it with us to make it as pleasant as possible. What is the nature of your call, ma’am, sir, or nonbinary individual?
TTT.: d.c, it’s me, Triple T, and I have your best cat friends youngest male kitten in my custody. However, Cal.E. says that he has a condition that needs to be treated, or he could die. I don’t want that to happen, because I was just trying to get T’s attention, can you help me, please? You know what’s wrong with Ralph, right?
d.: So I can connect you to the vet that will give your hostage proper care, ma’am, sir, or nonbinary individua, I will need your name, location, the last four digits of your social security number, as well as the last fifty websites you visited on your computer, ipad, and or cellular telephone device.
‘
TTT.: d.c., can you just connect me to Ralph’s vet, please?
d.: Yes, ma’am sir, or nonbinary individual. If you will allow me to put you on a brief hold, I’ll be happy to fulfill that request, but I would request that you take the survey at the end of this call and express how excellent my help for you was today.
TTT.: and if I don’t?
d.: The I will be within my rights to disconnect you and call animal control ma’am, sir, or nonbinary individual.
TTT.: You know who this is, d.c.! I’m a tom cat, who doesn’t need to deal with animal control so I’ll spill.
Thirty-two minutes later
d.: Very well, now, if I can just place you on another brief hold, I’ll connect you to Ralph’s vet.
TT.: Okay.
Two hours later
d.: Hello, ma’am, sir, or nonbinary individual. I have Ralph’s primary care vet on the line, please hold..
TTT.: Oh, no! My battery just died! I should have charged it before making this call!
Meanwhile in Greater Orange, Texas
TTT.: Oh, no! My battery just died! I should have charged it before making this call!
Meanwhile in Greater Orange, Texas
C.: Now, to get Ralph…
Shon,
Big Boy
What are y'all doing here?
d.: tune it tomorrow, folks, and see if Cal.E. and sixto can outsmart two member of the Triple T Cartel (who should be at my house eating right now) or if Ralph is doomed, right here on Cal.E.'s Korner.
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