C.: Numbers and directions are so confusing on this planet. For instance, there are fourteen teams in the Big Ten Conference for major college sports. There are ten teams in the Big Twelve Conference for major sports, but that number will change to fourteen teams in July of this year, and drop to twelve the following year when the two largest universities in the conference join the SEC.
SEC stands for Southeastern Conference. Its two newest members are Missouri and Texas A&M, which are both located west of the Mississippi River. This river practically splits the nation into east and west, since it is located almost exactly one-half of the way between the Pacific and Atlantic oceans. To add to the confusion, The SEC is going to have two new members in a couple of years, the University of Texas and the University of Oklahoma. One is in Austin, Texas and the other in Norman, Oklahoma. Both of these cities are west of the Mississippi River.
Let’s see, the Pacific Twelve Conference has..twelve members. How can that be? Every other conference with numbers in their names has a different number of schools competing in major sports than is in the name of the conference.
Why doesn’t college football do like the NFL does, and just divide the country into four quadrants? Each quadrant would be a conference and have a champion. There are only sixty-five teams with a real chance at winning College Football’s largest classification in football, and it looks like sixteen team conferences are the wave of the future.
In my plan, each quadrant would have sixteen teams (and one would have seventeen teams). Then, the champions of each quadrant would play each other in a football playoff. It would be a real final four, like in basketball. That makes too much sense, though, so it will never happen.
Speaking of College basketball, the Midwest Regional was played in..wait for it, Birmingham, Alabama, a one hour drive from the overall number one seed’s home campus in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The University of Alabama competes in the Southeastern Conference and is one state east of the Mississippi River. We’ve already addressed this (mis)direction previously, but why were two regionals given to the same venue? So that the number one overall seed could play in its home state, along with another school from that state competing in a different regional, the South. At least that one makes sense. Birmingham is in the southern one-half of the United States, but not in the midwest. Does the NCAA play favorites, like MLB’s commissioner? This cat thinks the answer is “yes.”
But, then again, all of the state of Alabama is in the central time zone, unlike the “midwestern” states of Ohio and Indiana, which are in the eastern time zone. Well, some of Indiana is in the central time zone: the part that’s a suburb of a large city in another state. Humans don’t always make sense. Why don’t Chicago, Illinois and Memphis, Tennessee have all of their suburbs in the same state as the main part of the city, as opposed to three different states? Couldn't the boundaries of the states be expanded, like they were when oil was discovered on land set aside for the Native Americans?
No wonder Meow Z. Tongue wants to destroy the human race. I can’t let him do that, though. d.c. and my mom and dad are all humans, and they’re all my friends. Besides, if I help him destroy the human race, won’t all three of them be killed, along with the rest of the humans here on earth? This is a conundrum wrapped inside of an anomaly. That question I asked him will only keep his mind occupied for a few hours, until he looks it up on a search engine and discovers that the word for “another word for” has no other word for it in the English language. I must come up with a plan to save the word and its inhabitants without unnecessarily worrying d.c. and my human parents.
How can I stall Meow Z. Tongue long enough to come up with a plan to save the world from a fate worse than death? I’m a cat from his galaxy, and even I don’t want to see the earth destroyed so he can put up cat climbing structures for criminals and undesirable cats from his galaxy. But I’m just a humble, working class cat with little or no influence on the leaders of the world. Also, none of the world leaders know that I can talk, so there’s that to deal with. I’ll need a mouthpiece, much like Moses in the Old Testament who used his brother as his spokesman.
I don’t have a brother, but I do have a friend who is closer to me than a brother. So, that’s it! I’ll talk d.c. into being my spokesman, then I’ll….no, that won’t work. There are too many variables, and d.c. would never go for that. Wait, first I’ll, and then I’ll, no that won’t work either. Hmm. Yes, that’s it! I’ll….
Tune in tomorrow, folks, and see if Cal. E. has a solid plan to save humanity or if we’re all doomed.