Ralph: A one, a two, a one, two three four
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Make me, oh, make me, Lord, more than I am
Make a piece in your master game plan
Free from the earthly temptation below
I've got the will, Lord, if you've got the toe
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Bring on the brothers who've gone on before
And all of the sisters who've knocked at your door
All the departed, dear loved ones of mine
And stick 'em up front in the offensive line
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Yeah, dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Paul Charles Craft
Dropkick Me Jesus lyrics © Screen Gems-emi Music Inc., Black Sheep Music
C.: Hello, and welcome to this special addition of Cal.e.’s Korner. My cohost, d.c. scot is busy with other activities today, so I have a very special guest. Please help me welcome Mr. Justin Case!
“Justin, you’re an interesting guy. Why don’t you tell us what your job is, please.”
JC.: I’m the backup quarterback for the replacement Houston Oilers.
C.: Well, that’s interesting, considering the Houston Oilers don’t exist anymore.
JC.: Then I should be getting a call soon. The strike is on, and the replacements will be playing the Super Bowl.
C.: No, Justin. The Houston Oilers packed up and left Houston. They’re now called the Tennessee Titans. The Oilers no longer exist.
JC.: Really? Well, I know that the Astros built their own stadium, so why is the Astrodome still there, if the Oilers don’t play there anymore?
C.:...That is a good question. However, the Oilers moved to Tennessee in 1997. Didn’t you see the big stadium they built right next to the old Astrodome that was built to attract a new NFL team?
JC.: I didn’t see it the last time I took my kids to Astroworld.
C.: They tore down Astroworld in 2006 to make more parking for the Texans.
JC.: Then why didn’t they just tear down the Astrodome, if it’s not being used for anything anymore?
C.:...IDK, Justin…
JC.: I’ll tell you why. Big Construction! They want to leave the Astrodome there as a monument to their brilliance; just like Big Equipment wants me to wear a helmet. They just want to advertise their product by displaying their name on the helmet in a prominent place. I won’t be a party to it!
C.: O-kay, let’s talk about that. What type of helmet do you wear when you play football?
JC.: Well, it’s been a while since I played…maybe, carry the three, multiply by thirty two and subtract seven, thirty two years.
C.: And what team were you playing for then?
JC.: When?
C.: The last time you played a football game.
JC.: I’m sorry, I don’t recall. But, as I was saying, helmets are unnecessary, so I don’t wear one.
C.: Well, that’s…interesting. Why do you think that helmets are unnecessary?
JC.: Because a recent study said that players were better off not wearing helmets than the ones they’re wearing.
C.: That’s an old study, done on football helmets used in the twentieth century…
JC.: What century is this?
C.: It’s 2024, so it’s the twenty-first century…
JC.: Hmm. Maybe I should be wearing a helmet, then. I lost over twenty years of my memory. My kids are all in their twenties, and now I’m doing an interview with a talking cat! My brain must have been dropkicked throught the uprights of life! So, I’ll just give my farewell speech.
“Today, (today, today,) I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”
C.: That’s all the time we have for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner.
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