That's great, it starts with an earthquake Birds and snakes, and aeroplanes And Lenny Bruce is not afraid … Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn World serves its own needs Don't mis-serve your own needs Speed it up a notch, speed, grunt, no, strength The ladder starts to clatter With a fear of height, down, height Wire in a fire, represent the seven games And a government for hire and a combat site Left her, wasn't coming in a hurry With the Furies breathing down your neck … Team by team, reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped Look at that low plane, fine, then Uh oh, overflow, population, common group But it'll do, save yourself, serve yourself World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed Tell me with the Rapture and the reverent in the right, right You vitriolic, patriotic, slam fight, bright light Feeling pretty psyched … It's the end of the world as we know it It's the end of the world as we know it It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine … Six o'clock, T.V. hour, don't get caught in foreign tower Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn Lock him in uniform, book burning, bloodletting Every motive escalate, automotive incinerate Light a candle, light a motive, step down, step down Watch your heel crush, crush, uh oh This means no fear, cavalier, renegade and steering clear A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline … It's the end of the world as we know it (I had some time alone) It's the end of the world as we know it (I had some time alone) It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (time I had some time alone) I feel fine (I feel fine) … It's the end of the world as we know it (time I had some time alone) It's the end of the world as we know it (time I had some time alone) It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (time I had some time alone) … The other night I drifted nice continental drift divide Mountains sit in a line, Leonard Bernstein Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs Birthday party, cheesecake, jellybean, boom You symbiotic, patriotic, slam but neck, right, right … It's the end of the world as we know it (time I had some time alone) It's the end of the world as we know it (time I had some time alone) It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (time I had some time alone) … It's the end of the world as we know it It's the end of the world as we know it It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (time I had some time alone) … It's the end of the world as we know it (time I had some time alone) It's the end of the world as we know it (time I had some time alone) It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (time I had some time alone) … It's the end of the world as we know it (time I had some time alone) It's the end of the world as we know it (time I had some time alone) It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (time I had some time alone) Source: LyricFind Songwriters: John Michael Stipe / Michael E. Mills / Peter Lawrence Buck / William Thomas Berry It’s the End of the World as We Know It (and I Feel Fine) lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
C.: (ring) (While I wait on d.c. to answer the phone, I’ll ask some mind-clearing rhetorical questions). Why do humans say that they are getting A haircut, when they usually get them all cut? (ring) And why do some people appear to have faster growing hair than others? (ring) Almost all humans’ hair grows at one-half inch per month, but d.c. gets his hair cut every three to four weeks, and Mom only cuts hers once per year. (ring) And why is the place that men get their hair cut called a “barber shop”? (ring) Wouldn’t a more proper name be a men’s hair cutting place? (rii) Oh, hi, d.c. How are you doing today?
d.: Better than yesterday. I’m sorry it took me so long to answer the phone, but I was looking at some possibilities with the math equation you commandeered from that wrecked spaceship while I work out on my trainer. I can talk while I ride, though. What's up?
C.: About that. I’m going to need that piece of paper back, d.c.
d.: Why is that, Cal.E.?
C.: Because my inverse purrrsonality on the planet HTRAE, ELAC, said that, if those calculations get into the wrong hands, it could mean the end of the world as we know it.
d.: I can’t find a good use for those calculations, so I suppose that I should give them back to you. After all, you did attempt to fe yesterday by trying to throw the object in the spaceship as far as you could when you thought that it was a bomb. You could have been seriously hurt or killed by doing that.
C.: Aw, d.c. It was just a listening device, and I’m glad I didn’t throw it away before I heard a noise that sounded familiar to me.
d.: Well, it was still a brave act, and I appreciate it, Cal.E.
C.: It’s nothing that any brave, intelligent, heroic, beautiful cat would do for her best friend. Besides, I’ve seen you throw, d.c. If you were the one throwing the device away and it was a bomb, we would both be dead!
d.: That’s true. I’ve never had a very strong arm, but falling on it when I had a cycling accident several years ago didn’t help it any.
C.: Yes, I remember that you went to an orthopedic surgeon to talk about getting that fixed. I assume, though, from the way you still throw, having it fixed wasn’t one of your many surgeries.
d.: No, it wasn’t. That doctor said that, since I didn’t walk on my hands and I wasn’t closing for the Astros, I should be able to live with my right shoulder being impaired. He gave me some exercises, which I had done several times before to try to strengthen it.
C.: Did it?
d.: No, because I had done those exercises so many times before, it wasn’t of much benefit. It doesn’t ache as much as it did before doing the exercises, though, and I’ve trained myself to use my left had so well that some people think that I’m ether left-handed or ambidextrous.
C.: Well, maybe if you had thrown the object with your left hand, we might have survived.
d.: I doubt it. I could throw left-handed when I was a kid, but I stopped trying to do that when I stopped playing team sports. My left hand wouldn’t have been much better than my right, so you were right in trying to throw away the device. Anyway, what “wrong hands” could these calculations fall into and end the world?
C.: More like paws.
d.: Whose?
C.: Dr. Buddy Bones
d.: I thought he died a few months ago.
C.: That’s what everyone thought. He faked his own death, like Elvis Pressley, Freddie Mercury, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison. You saw them when you went of vacation last year. Thy're all living on an island off the coast of the Carolinas, but DR. Buddy Bones is alive and well and up to no good on his home planet.
Apparently, Buddy Bones was an alien from HTRAE who came here to gather information on our planet. He wanted to overthrow the world’s governments and take all our natural resources back to his home planet.
d.: Why didn’t he?
C.: He got comfortable living with Mom and Dad and my human brothers and me. He forgot his mission for a while, but remembered it suddenly one day a few months ago. That’s when he commandeered a spacecraft and went back to his home planet to regroup. He then kitten napped all fourteen of ELAC’s kittens and forced her to do the calculations to get him back here. Now that he knows so much about our planet he could easily come back and destroy it, after he commandeers all the precious resources he wants to take back to his planet.
d.: Which is?
C.: Feces. All kinds of feces. He wants to use that to power his whole planet. HTRAE is running out of fuel quickly, so he wants to find a way to power the planet with our most precious resource.
d.: Cal.E., if Dr. Buddy Bones wants to remove all the feces on the face of the earth, I think we should let him. That would be a good thing. It would reduce reenhouse gas and make the earth smell alot better.
C.: That part would be good, but then he plans to destroy the earth and everyone in it. He only wants enough energy to last the rest of his life. He doesn’t care if the planet goes to LLEH in a handbasket after he dies. He only cares about himself.
d.: And he’s willing to destroy the family that took care of him when he was here on earth?
C.: I don’t know, d.c. According to ELAC, he’s lost his mind. That’s why she made fake calculations to send him into orbit, never to return to either planet. However, she got the calculations mixed up and sent the wrong ones on the test flight. Now, if Buddy Bones can somehow find a way to communicate with someone here who isn’t very scrupulous, he could offer a large reward for them. That’s why they need to be destroyed.
d.: I see, Cal.E. I’ll go find those calculations and we’ll destroy them together. Just give me a few minutes to find them.
Ten minutes later
Now, where could that sheet of paper be? I’ve searched my whole house and my yard. They’re nowhere in sight. OH NO!!
Well, that’s all the time we have for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner. and see if it's the end of the world as we know it.