Cal.E.'s Corner

Some folks are born made to wave the flag

Hoo, they're red, white and blue

And when the band plays "Hail to the chief"

Ooh, they point the cannon at you, Lord

It ain't me, it ain't me

I ain't no senator's son, son

It ain't me, it ain't me

I ain't no furtunate one, no

Some folks are born silver spoon in hand

Lord, don't they help themselves, Lord?

But when the taxman come to the door

Lord, the house lookin' like a rummage sale, yeah

It ain't me, it ain't me

I ain't no millionaire's son, no, no

It ain't me, it ain't me

I ain't no fortunate one, no

Yeah-yeah, some folks inherit star-spangled eyes

Hoo, they send you down to war, Lord

And when you ask 'em, "How much should we give?"

Hoo, they only answer, "More, more, more, more"

It ain't me, it ain't me

I ain't no military son, son, Lord

It ain't me, it ain't me

I ain't no fortunate one, one

It ain't me, it ain't me

I ain't no fortunate one, no, no, no

It ain't me, it ain't me

I ain't no fortunate son, no, no, no

It ain't me, it ain't me...

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Bruce Hornsby

Fortunate Son lyrics © Jondora Music, Zappo Music

C.: Hey, d.c., I need to ask you to do me a huge favor.

d.: What favor do you want to ask me to do, Cal.E.?

C.: Well, election day for the position of “Animal Royalty” is about to occur. I need you to ask to be one of the judges.

d.: Why would you want me to do that, Cal.E.?

C.: Because, if I get behind in the election, I need you to do something for me.

d.: i don’t like where this conversation is headed–

C.: I gave you those tickets to see “The King of Country Music,” so you owe me!

d.: I thought those were a gift, Cal.E.

C.: d.c., don’t you know that all politicians give gifts in order to get something in return for them?

d.: I suppose that’s true, but I thought you were giving me those tickets as a friend, not a politician.

C.: Can’t I be both?

d.: Apparently not–

C.: Look, all I need for you to do is to go through the ballot box and get rid of enough votes that aren’t marked in my favor to let me win. I’ll call in a bomb threat–

d.: Won’t that look suspicious, Cal.E.?

C.: I don’t think so, d.c. Number one, no one but you on this planet knows that I can talk. So, I won’t be a suspect. Besides, a lot of elections on this planet seem to be decided after most people have stopped paying attention because they assume a candidate can’t be beaten, according to the current numbers. Then, the other candidate wins the election. On other planets, this would look suspicious. On this planet, though, it seems to be routinely accepted.

d.: Cal.E., even if I wanted to help you, the ballot boxes are locked, and only the person who collects the ballots has the key. I can’t get to the ballots--

C.: But I can. I’m an expert at picking locks. That’s why I never have my claws clipped. I will sneak into the polling place and unlock the box. Then, you get rid of enough ballots to put me in the lead.

d.: I see at least one problem with your plan, Cal.E. I can only be a judge at one polling place. Isn’t this a worldwide election? Just fixing one ballot box doesn’t guarantee that you'll be elected “Animal Royalty on Planet Earth.” Where did you come up with this idea, anyway?

C.: From you!!

d.: ???!!!

C.: That manuscript you sent me to proofread gave me the idea. If fictional characters can do it in a book, then maybe a fictional character in a blog can do the same thing!

d.: And what about the rest of the world’s votes?

C.: This election isn’t something that has been advertised widely. The vote in Houston is likely to decide who is elected to office. Basically, my intel says that the vote will be between Buddy Bones and me. So, all you must do is go through the box and get rid of enough votes for Buddy Bones to put me in the lead. It’s a foolproof plan!

d.: That’s close to what it is. You should shorten one word in that sentence, and you’ll be accurate.

Well, that’s all the time we have for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Corner.