C.: Well, d.c. is busy rewriting a book, after sending it to his editor. Since he’s busy, I’ll be writing this blog solo. This gives me a chance to educate all y'all “foreigners” (which d.c. defines as anyone not from Texas) on the language spoken in my (now) home state. I had to learn a different type of English than the form I spoke while I lived in Maryland after the truck I hitchhiked on stopped in Houston. Some of you may be moving here soon, like most of the state of California. So, to educate all y’all (one of my first terms to define-see below) how to talk like a Texan and fit in “down here,” I’ll teach you the correct forms of the terms you will use most often if (make that when) you move to Texas.
You: This is singular. It implies one person. As in "YOU are an example for your young'uns."
Young'un: Anyone younger than you are.
Y’all: A few people, but more than one. Can imply two to around five, I think (although I’m not sure where the cutoff is between y’all and all y’all, but I’ll get to that in a minute).
All y’all: Implies many people. More than two, less than two billion, I suppose. I will use it in a sentence to help you understand. “All y’all that aren’t from Texas are Yankees and foreigners.”
All hat and no cattle: I hear d.c. say this about almost all politicians. That should clue you in to the meaning of this phrase. The literal definition is someone who talks a lot, but doesn’t back up what s/he is saying with actions. I hear this a lot this time of year when you earthlings are conducting your elections. On my planet, we have a much more sophisticated technique for selecting our leaders. We play an exhaustive game of “Duck, Duck, Goose.” Whoever wins is the new leader.
Texas High School Football (formerly schoolboy football): This may be the most important term you will hear in the state of Texas. If you ever wondered why the large colleges recruit this state so heavily, attend a high school football game. That is, if you can find a seat! These games are so well attended that the schools can buy excellent equipment. The schools here also pay their coaches well. That attracts former pro and college players to coach in Texas on a high school level. High school football is the most important thing in this state, unless two Texas colleges are playing each other, or one or both of the two professional teams are in action.
“Astros’ Cheating Scandal”: Okay, if you come to Texas, never utter these words in the same sentence.
Rob Manfred: (see above). Better yet, don’t mention his name, the office of the MLB commissioner, or anything else about d.c.’s least favorite person on the face of the earth.
World Champions: What all Texans believe is their God-given birthright to claim in every sport known to man. It may be football, basketball, baseball, soccer (men’s or women’s), Lacrosse, Rodeoing, canoeing, or Tidily Winks. Texans believe their athletes are superior to anyone else’s in the world.
The Houston Texans Starting Quarterback: Someone with a Deathwish
Texas Rules Cage Death Match: Um, I think this one is self-explanatory.
Pro Rassling: When two (or more) grown men insult each other, dance around each other, pull each other’s hair, and finally engage in a sort of dance, until one grows too tired to dance anymore. The other then falls on top of him and holds his shoulders for three seconds, as the referee slaps the mat. Afterward, while the winner is strutting around the ring, the “loser” grabs a folding chair and hits the “winner” over the head. The “loser” then grabs the championship belt from the “winner,” who’s unconscious, claiming himself to be the world champion.
Rematch: This occurs after a “pro rassling match” occurs, and the “loser” won’t give the championship belt back to the “winner.” The person who wins the first match will usually lose the second one, setting up a third for “all the marbles.” This results in it only being able to be seen live and in person, or on a per-per-view channel that will charge its subscribers more money than they would usually pay for their regular cable for a month.
Home Schooling: This is when kids get to stay at home with one parent and be taught by that parent how to pass the STARR test. If the kid can do that, he's allowed to advance to the next level. Some even go to prestigious universities and do well.
Dawg: Either the most reviled critter on the face of the earth, or someone’s close friend. This can be confusing when the family pet is in the same room with two close friends. If a human asks me to get his dawg something to eat or drink, I never know if he is referring to the four-legged one or the two-legged one.
Critter: An animal
Huntin’ an’ fishin”: This is how most Texas males (and some females) spend their free time when there aren’t any football games to watch, but when is that?!
Too much football on T.V.: Okay, this is a sniglet in the state of Texas. I made it up. It’s a term that doesn’t actually exist, except for women who don’t like or watch football.
God’s Country: Texas
Up there: Anywhere north of Denton
Down here: Again, Texas, as in “Down here in God’s Country, we don’t allow dawgs to run deer by our dawgs.”
The Texas Hill Country: From Austin to Boerne; some of the most beautiful land you will ever lay your eyes on. It is truly “God’s Country.”
The Valley: This is referring to the Rio Grande Valley. It is where most of the food in this part of the world is grown. It is also one of the hottest places on the face of the earth during the summer.
That’s all the time I have for today, folks. Join us tomorrow, for another episode of Cal.E.’s Corner
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