Well, it’s been nine days and no sign of Cal.E. I will continue to post excerpts from her journal until she appears.
Supreme Commander of this CORNER of the Universe, Day nine (I think I will just shorten this to Cal.E.’s corner)
C.: The dad, the husband, the wife. How cliché’, the butler did it. (knock, knock) Who is it?
d.: It’s d.c. Your Mom and Dad wanted me to come and check on you since they took the kids and the dog and went out of town for the weekend. What are you doing, Cal.E.?
C.: Oh, I was just watching these mystery shows that Mom has recorded. They are easy to figure out, so I just watch the first five minutes. Then, I can figure out who the murderer is very easily. These are pretty simple plots. If you’ve watched one, you’ve watched them all. Besides, I am just killing time until the Miami-Dallas game comes on.
d.: You started watching football? C.: Yes, I have the fish and four on this game.
d.: What now?
C.: “Triple T” gave up three extra points to get extra money on Miami. The Vegas line is one. He gave me three extra points. He says that giving me Miami and four points is like me printing money!
d.: “Tripe T?”
C.: Yes, Tom the Tabby says...
d.: TOM THE TABBY?!! Cal.E. do you know who you have gotten involved with? Tom’s enforcer, “The Tuxedo” has been in the kennel so many times we retired his number! He is so big that he just sits on other cats and breaks their bones! I HOPE you know what you are doing.
C.: Relax, d.c. Miami will cover the spread. They are three and oh since they switched their defense to an even man front. Their jack ‘backer plays better with his hand in the dirt. He is leading the NFL in QB sacks, hurries, and pressures since the D.C. moved him into a three-point stance.
d.: You learned all of this from playing your dad’s old Madden game?
C.: Yes, and reading up on it on CNN
d.: CNN?
C.: Yes, our news magazine: Cats Need kNowledge. It told me everything I need to know about football.
d.: Then you know that the Cowboy’s left tackle is an All-Pro…
C.: FORMER all-pro. He has given up three sacks in the last three games, more than he gave up in the last two seasons combined. He has lost a step on his lateral movement since he underwent “minor” knee surgery in the offseason. Our Jack is gonna eat his lunch!
d.: I DID play some ball, back in the day. So did your dad. That is how we met. We were both walk-ons at a J.C. Neither of us ever got on the field though. I still have four years of college eligibility (hehe)
C.: What position did y’all play?
d.: I was the middle linebacker, and your dad played weakside linebacker, because he was so fast he could cover backs coming out of the backfield. He got jacked, though. The tight end was coming around from his blindside, making a downfield block for the running back when he made a crackback block on your dad. It ended his football career.
C.: I thought those were illegal? And what happened to you?
d.: Crackback blocks had been outlawed the year before, but the tight end was a sophomore, so he had been taught to use them since he was in high school. Since we were walk-ons, the coach just blew his whistle and shook his head. He patted the tight end on the butt and told him that those were now illegal. He said that he was glad that did not happen in a game. It might have cost the team fifteen yards!
I also hurt my knee, but not playing football. I went home to our family farm to help my parents harvest their crops on a weekend we had off from playing football. I jumped off a tractor and landed wrong. I twisted my leg and tore my ACL and meniscus in my right knee. I was never able to play football again.
C.: Is that where you learned to talk to animals, on your parent’s farm?
d.: Yes, Ca.lE. That is why I can talk to you
C.: Okay, let’s see what you know about football. So, if you were the Mike, you called the plays on defense. Dad was Will, who is usually the best athlete on the defense in a 4-3 alignment.
So, tell, me, Mr. Mike, what would you call on this play?
d.: I would call an E-T stunt on the strong side. I would send Sam on a red dog into the B gap…
C.: That is smart, since we are obviously going to run a counter to the strong side (Announcer: And the strong side linebacker meets the running back in the gap between the guard and tackle on the strong side. He knew they were running the counter and reacted quickly. And the running back is STILL down). I hope that running back is out for the game. He does not seem to know that he needs to check both A gaps before releasing into the flat on pass plays. He needs to check for db blitzes. Our quarterback is getting killed! It is the O.C.’s fault. He is calling stupid plays!
d.: Like what?
C.: On the last pass play, he sent the Y receiver on a post-fly route on a soft cover two zone! The tight end should have driven both safeties back and sat down in the deep hook zone! Dallas has been playing the Tampa-2 all season! What films has the Offensive Coordinator been watching?
d.: Miami is out of timeouts. They are on the fifty and it is fourth down. They only have thirty seconds to score. I hope you have the money to pay “Triple T” since they are down by six. They need a touchdown!
C.: All they must do is kick a field goal, and it covers MY spread.
d.: Why would they do that? They need a touchdown. Even if they did not, it would be a 67-yard field goal attempt. The record is 66 yards, and the Lions’ kicker is not playing. (Announcer: and it looks like Miami is going to trot the kicking team onto the field and try a record-setting field goal! They must have in mind to kick an onside kick and try to recover, then try to win the game in regulation. This is a BOLD move! There’s the snap, the hold is good, the kick is up and it is….)
Well, that’s all the time we have for today, folks. Thanks for joining us for this episode of Cal.E.’s Corner!
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