Cal.E's Korner

Ralph: A one, a two, a one, two three four

 A lady that I know just came from Columbia

She smiled because I did not understand

Then she held out some marijuani ha-ha

She said it was the best in all the land

… And I said:No no no no, I don't smoke it no more

I'm tired of waking up on the floor

No, thank you, please,

… It only makes me sneeze

And then it makes it hard to find the door

A woman that I know just came from Majorca Spain

She smiled because I did not understand

… Then she held out a 10 pound bag of Cocaine

She said it was the best in all the land

And I said:No no no no, I don't sniff it no more

… I'm tired of waking up on the floor

No, thank you, please,It only makes me sneeze

And then it makes it hard to find the door

… A man I know just came from Nashville Tennessee oh

He smiled because I did not understand

Then he held out some moonshine whiskey oh-ho

He said it was the best in all the land

… And I said:No no no no, I don't drink it no more

I'm tired of wakin' up on the floor

No, thank you, please,

… It only makes me sneezeA

nd then it makes it hard to find the door

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: David P. Jr. Jackson / Hoyt Wayne Axton

The No-No Song lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc

d.: (ring) Hello?

Ralph: d.c., this is Ralph, have you seen my mom lately? She was supposed to fill in at The Kennel for me all week, but I can’t find her anywhere, and she’s not answering her phone. Do you know what’s going on? I’m in Cut’N’Shoot playing with Beauty and the Glow fish all week, so I can’t work my regular shifts, and I don’t want to get in trouble

d.: (I see that he hit the big-time already). Well, yes. I was up all night talking to her. She called me from The Kennel last night with her one phone call that she’s allowed to make, and she was upset.

Ralph: Oh, no, is she in some kind of trouble?

d.: Yes, and no. From what I understand, she had a conversation with your sister last night, and it went a little like this:

Jodi: Mom, can I borrow one million dollars?

C.: Why would you ask me for that much money, honey?

Jodie: Well, FIDO still wants to get married, and so do I. I want to have a nice wedding and honeymoon, but first I must hire a good lawyer to get him out of The Kennel. That will be expensive, too. I know that Tucker, Tucker Two a.k.a. The Cat Fighter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now Simply Known As T, Because Triple T Was Already Taken, your husband, is a meowainnare, so y’all can afford it, I’m sure. And just think, I’ll be out of your fur furever!

C.: As tempting as that sounds, that’s a hard no, Jodie. Tucker has money, but it’s all tied up in investments. Even if we had that much liquid cash, I still wouldn’t just give you that much money to marry a dog!

Jodi: Then, can I have ten?

C.: Well, ten dollars would be worth it to get you out on your own, even if you want to marry a criminal. I can loan you ten dollars….

Jodi: No, Mom, I meant ten thousand dollars.

C.: That’s a hard no, still.

Jodi: WHYYYY NOT?!

C.: For all the same reasons I wouldn’t lend you one million dollars. I don't want you to marry a dog who's in The Kennel for life. Fredrico Is Danged Obstinant is no good, trust me on that.

Jodi: Mom, if you don’t give it to me, I’ll call your parole officer and tell her that you’re eating catnip again!

d.: And then, from what I understand, Jodie ate a lot of catnip, pee’d in a container that Cal.E’s parole officer asks her to bring to her office once a week with a urine sample, and turned it in. She told Cal.E.’s parole officer that her mom was acting weird, so she wanted the parole officer to test her urine. When she failed, the parole officer had her arrested and then brought her to The Kennel.

Ralph: But that’s circumstantial evidence. Couldn’t she just urinate into a container at The Kennel and be set free?

d.: She could, but your mom irritated some powerful people at The Kennel the first time she was in it. They can hold her for forty-eight hours for observation. Then, she’ll post bail. Don’t worry, though, I got her the meanest and best lawyer in Greater Houston.

Ralph: You don’t mean….

d.: Yep, Sheila Haynes.

That’s all for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow (if my cohost gets out of the slammer in time) for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner.