Cal.E.'s Korner

C.: Now, you listen to me, Joe Groan. My son, Ralph, will be fine as the replacement for my third husband, Tucker Tucker, Two, a.k.a. The Cat Fighter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now Simply Known As T Because Triple T Was Already Taken (by his catfighting tag-team cat fighting partner, Tom the Tabby). T has won WACKO cat fighting belts in six different categories, so I suppose he can train my son to do the same. The World Association of Cat fighting and Knowledge of Ornithology doesn’t just give away championship belts, you know. They must be earned; and T earned every one of his belts!

JG.: Oh, oh, oh! So, do you think that your youngest son can stay away from  catnip long enough to do what your husband has done?

C.: If he heeds the signs that T, Tom and d.c. put up

 And he will. He listens to the big guys.

JG.: I see, and what about his blossoming music career?

C.: Well, he can continue with that as well. He just needs to remember which bass to take on stage with him. This one,

not this one.

The signs on the restroom doors should help that.

JG.: Okay, but you said that you had a couple of things to set me straight about. A couple usually means two so…

C.: Yes, that is correct. Did you know that the last cat fight with Tom wasn’t the only cat fight that T had lost?

JG.: No, do tell.

C.: Yes, well…several years ago, before T and I dated and then married, we were archrivals…well, it wasn’t so much that T and I were arch rivals as I was rivals with his boss, Tom the Tabby. Actually, Tom wasn’t so much my archrival as he was my bookie and supplier of catnip., but he was angry with me when I stole eleven meow-illion dollars from him, but it was practically sitting out in the open. I found that, to get his lute, all I must do was to wait until he left his house, pick the lock to his front door, then pick the lock to his bedroom, then pick the lock to his closet, then pick the lock to the vault in the closet, and then pick the lock on the lock box his money was in. He was asking to be robbed!

JG.: Why did you feel the need to rob your bookie and catnip supplier? Isn’t that generally a bad idea?

C.: Generally, yes. But I had a good job at The Kennel, and my Earth mom and dad paid for everything, so I had some money to gamble and party with; and that’s what I did. Tom would hand out tip sheets with your picks for sporting events on them. If I’d have known then what I know now, I would have bet the opposite of what Tom’s tip sheet said. Anyway, I did finally figure that out, so I was due a big payday.

I told my best human friend, d.c. scot, that I was going to bet on a sure thing. He encouraged me not to bet on that game, or any other sporting event because I was becoming addicted to gambling after I gave up eating catnip. I didn’t bet on that game, but my team won. I reasoned that, if I had bet on that game, I would have cleaned Tom out, so I took what I thought was rightfully mine.

JG.: So, what does the best cat fighter who ever lived have to do with this?

C.: Well, Tom found out that I had stolen his money, and he wanted to get his money back; as well as revenge on me. I outsmarted him, though. I sent d.c. a series of texts with lyrics to songs about different towns, knowing that Tom had his phone tapped. I told d.c. to listen to the songs to know where I was. I wasn’t in any of those places, though. I was hiding under Mom and Dad’s bed, watching old movies on my phone for two weeks. When Tom did find out, he was furious. He decided to get his head hench cat, T, to fight me in the ring. He said that, if I could defeat T, I could keep the money but T had a crush on me.

He let me punch him in the underside of the jaw to knock him out. That’s when we started dating.

To end the story, T paid Tom back his cash, and we got married. T bought Wayne Manor,

  and all my kittens came to live with us.

JG.: So, let me get this straight. You robbed the head of the Triple T Cartel, then married his head hench cat, who had been in and out of The Kennel so many times that the warden retired his number; but I suppose that was where t learned to cat fight so well. He let you win an exhibition match before anyone had ever heard of him, and then you married one of your chief tormentors from your days of gambling and eating catnip to excess? Do you think that has the makings of a made-for television movie?

C.: Well, not when you put it that way…

JG. But I do, I’m going to call my agent right now and see who will buy this story. Thanks Cal.E.

C.: So, what’s my cut if you do sell this idea to a major movie producer?

JG.: That’s all the time we have for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow for another episode of The Joe Groan Show.

C.: Cal.E.’s Korner.