Cal.E.'s Korner

d.: Now that there’s a break in the action at The Kennel, I can think back on my near misses with my manuscripts.

I wrote a script for a television show called “That Was Somebody Else.” It was about the life of someone who was a total stranger to everyone on the face of the earth. The network liked my idea, but was afraid that my script was too much like the old television show “Kung Fu.” They said it would have been okay if I hadn’t named the main character Cain, like the protagonist in the old television show. That’s when I turned to using my chemistry background to try to invent a new multi-purpose cleaner. I tried 408 formulas before I finally gave up. I was so close.

Nurse scot, yuk yuk yuk are you busy?

d.: Not really. What’s going on?

I think this inmate has a broken foot. He says he went to sleep with one foot hanging over the side of his bed, and, when he woke up two hours later, he didn’t have any feeling in his foot.

d.: What happened?

IM: Well, I was messaging my calf to get blood flow back into my foot, when these three officers came along. They asked me why I was messaging my lower leg, and I told them that I didn’t have any feeling in my right foot. They insisted that I go to the medical department to check it out, even though I knew that my foot was just asleep

Yuk yuk yuk, that’s not what happened. You said that your foot was broken. Look how swollen it is.

IM.: No I didn’t say that….And my foot isn’t swollen, it’s just fat like the rest of me.

d.: Well, you would know if you kicked something hard that is solid or have run a long distance. Did you do either of those things?

IM,: No sir, I did not. I would like to go finish my nap now if you’re done with your investigation of my foot.

d.: I’m done, but I’d like to send a note to the provider. He can either see you or prescribe some diuretics…water pills for you. Your lower legs aren’t merely fat. You have edema bilaterally…in both of your ankles. That indicates poor blood flow. The provider might want to schedule some tests for your heart and see why you have poor circulation in your legs. But that won’t happen for several days, or weeks, or maybe months, so you may go finish your nap now, as far as I’m concerned.

Yuk yuk yuk. Aren’t you going to stay with him until the tests are done? He may die of compartment syndrome since he has a broken foot?

d.: Are you a doctor, an RN, or a paramedic?!!

Yuk yuk yuk no, but I’ve worked here for six months. That makes me an expert on medical things.

d.: Then don’t  try to make a medical diagnosis!

Yuk yuk yuk. You’re being disrespectful of our uniforms and positions of authority

d.: You’ve never even worked as a security officer in the medical department, as far as I know. Also, why did it take three of y’all to bring one patient to me? Did y’all think he was dangerous?

Yuk yuk yuk. No, we’re short of officers today. Too many officers called in. That’s why we decided to have three officers come with the patient to the medica department.

d.:  ???  That makes about as much sense as putting screen doors on a submarine.

Yuk yuk yuk. Exactly

d.: Okay, officers, just

Yuk, yuk, yuk too late!

d.: (And don’t let the door knob hit you where the good Lord split you on your way out (forever, I hope).