Cal.E.'s Korner

C.: I wonder what d.c. is doing at work today. It’s Sunday, so he’s probably having an easy day, unlike me. I must get my nails done and my fur purrrfect. T.’s coming home in two days, and I want to look nice for him.

 Greater Houston, TX (somewhere between the Louisiana-Texas state line and El Paso) The Kennel; 0600: 

d.: Good morning, afternoon or evening, ma’am, sir, or nonbinary individual. Welcome to The Kennel. The Kennel was voted the most liked correctional facility in the southwestern tip of Southeast Texas one year running by present and former residents. If you commit a crime and must do time, do it with us. How may I be of service to you today, ma’am, sir or nonbinary individual…Or my next door neighbor’s and best friends’ favorite cruise ship hostess,  Yetta Nother?!

G.: No, I’m Yetta’s identical twin sister, Greta. I didn’t marry a billionaire play boy who owned his own line of cruise ships and renamed every ship he owned after his wife, so I must work for a living…. Anyway, it’s not what you can do for me, but what I can do for you.

d.: ???

G.: I understand that you’re in control of ordering some of the supplies for this facility, ma’am, sir, or nonbinary individual.

d.: Yes, but….only the Q-Tips. But I only need to get my purchases approved by supervisors one, two, and three levels above me. I was recently promoted.

G..: Then you are the person I need to talk to, because I have a world-changing product for you.

d.: (Okay, here we go with the sales pitch). I’m listening.

G.: Well, when I arrived, you said an offensive word. Not just to me, but to the world as a whole.

d.: What word was that?

G.: You said the ‘Q’ word.

d.: No, I did not say the “Q” word that is forbidden in medical practices….

G.: No, silly, I didn’t mean, “quiet…”

d.: Excuse me while I go knock on wood, throw salt over my shoulder and say a “Hail Mary” prayer.

G.: Whoops, I forgot how superstitious some medical people are, but I need to tell you about this product.

d..: Okay, I’m listening (Not really. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Anytime anyone says the Q word Greta just said, we get extremely busy).

G.: Wah, wah wah wah. And it will not only save money, but, in the long run, save the planet. How many can I put The Kennel down for?

d.: I’m sorry, could you show me your product? I need to see what you’re talking about before I make my decision.

G.: Sure, I brought some samples. This is the latest in earth-saving technology. The cotton-tipped applicators, unlike the brand name that you mentioned and I won’t, are entirely biodegradable. They will totally disintegrate and be recycled in just seventeen short years.

d.: Well, that sounds good, but I must run this by my supervisor, who’ll run it by her supervisor, who’ll run it by his supervisor…This is a government entity;  you understand?

G Well, yes I do, but you’re the one on the floor using the product, so this should be your decision and yours alone (along with all the other nurses and providers who work here).

d.: Well, I need to get a cost for your product. Then, I’ll need to do a cost-benefit analysis, try the product on a trial basis, and then get back with you. That shouldn’t take any more than six months to one year. So, what is the cost of your product?

G.: Seventeen dollars.

d.: Per box?!

SG: No, that’s per cotton-tipped applicator. We only sell the boxes of twelve in a twelve-box order.

d.: So, that’s one gross?

G.: Only after they’re used (heehee).

d.: Let’s see, that’s twelve boxes times seventeen dollars times twelve in a box is….carry the four, multiply by two and divide by the square root of pi…$2448?!!

g.: Not including taxes, shipping and handling charges, yes.

d.: (ring). (Thank goodness. Saved by the bell).

Mr. scot, we have emergencies in dorms, five, twelve, eighteen and twenty.

d.: I must take care of these emergencies, so the officer will see you out, Greta. 

So,  that’s all the time we have for today, please join us tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner.