Cal.E.'s Korner

d.: Good morning, afternoon or evening, ma’am, sir, or nonbinary individual. Welcome to The Kennel’s new clinic for non- convicted persons. How may I be of service to you today?

Customer: I just need my annual checkup, and I read that y’all don’t charge for those Only if you find a real problem when doing your evaluation will I be charged, correct?

d.: That is correct, ma’am, sir, or nonbinary individual. Here at The Kennel, we know that, if we can’t find and solve your problems, someone else probably can. 

Now, would  you be more comfortable having someone of your own gender, assuming that, today, you don't identify as a man, examining you, or are you comfortable with me?

Cus.: you’re a nurse, so I’m not worried about us being different genders. Just do my annual physical, and I’ll be on my way.

d.: Yes, ma’am, sir, or nonbinary individual. I’ll need your full name, social security number, landline, email and cell phone numbers and a list of three references who can confirm that you’ve never been convicted of a crime, and that you don’t have any outstanding warrants for your arrest.

Cus.: Okay, tMy name is May Flowers, and.. (ring). Excuse me, I must take this. It’s my ride share driver, April Showers. She brought me here, and she wants to know how long she should drive around the block before picking me up, since there are no parking spaces available.

d.: Yes, May Flowers, I’m sure that this will only take a few moments.,.

Cus.: How long is “a few moments’?

d.: Well, a moment is defined as ninety seconds, and a few usually means three, so… carry to zero, less than five minutes (ring). Make that a few more moments. It’s my colleague here at The Kennel, so I must take this call.

“Hello, ma’am, sir, or nonbinary individual. Good morning, afternoon or evening. How may I be of service to you here at The Kennel; which was voted the choice of former and present inmates here in the southwestern tip of Southeast Texas. If you do the crime, do your time with us. We have….

C.: d,c, it’s me, Cal.E., and I need for you to do something for me.

‘

d.: And what, my I ask, is that, my fine feline friend?

C.: Well, since I’ve gotten all my choices right for the NCAA basketball tournament, I want to place a bet, but the only bookie who will take a bet from a cat is Tom the Tabby. Tom and my third husband, Tucker Tucker Two, a.k.a. The Cat Fighter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now simply Known As T Because Triple T was already taken (by Tom the Tabby) are in an undisclosed location, training for their next tag-team WACKO  championship cat fight. Apparently, the place they chose to train has no cell phone reception…

d.: Or T made Tom turn his phone off so they could concentrate on training.

C.: Yes. I would give you ten percent of my earnings if I win. Is that a deal?

D.: Well…I know that you aren’t supposed to be gambling because you have an addiction problem, but you’ve gotten every game right so far, so this sounds like a sure thing, not gambling. Who do you like in the two games today?

C.: Well…In the first game, Florida has been tough all year, but Auburn has the experience. The Tigers are the oldest team left, so I’ll go with experience.

d.: And in the second game?

C.: Well, as you said yesterday, Duke is Duke, and they have a talented roster, but Houston has the experience, and is the toughest team in the tournament because they play excellent defense. I’ll go with the two teams of cats facing off in the final, with the Cougars winning it all in a mild upset.

d.: So, you see the two teams of cats in the finals, with the smaller cat beating the larger cats?

C.: Yes. It took me a while to figure it out. I know that a tiger is a large cat, but I had to look up cougars, because the University of Houston’s men’s basketball team isn’t a group of middle-aged women trying to woo younger men. Why didn’t you tell me that a cougar was just a big cat?

d.: Oh, Cal.E., those cats have several names, but it all means the same cat. They can be known as nittany lions, mountain lions, cougars or PUMA….

Ladies and gentlemen, nonbinary individuals, we are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.

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