Cal.E's Korner

C.: d.c, how many events are supposed to be in a pentathlon?

d.: Well, the word “penta” means five in latin, so five events.

C.: how many twos are in five

d.: Two and one-half

C.: Okay, carry the two, divide by the square root of pi. Hmm. I’ve been training for twice that many events. What would that event be called?

d.: Maybe the most challenging of all Olympic events, the Pentathlon.

C.: Okay, that’s what I’m training for. Just because Meow Z. Tongue has left the galaxy, I don’t want to quit training and let all my hard work go to waste. I want to continue training.

d.: Okay, Cal.E. We’ve been teasing the readers about the events for several days. Why don’t you let the readers in on the events you’ve been training for?

C.: Okay. After the opening prayer,

we have one of my favorite events, the competitive eating event.

After that, we’re all pretty stuffed, so we move on to the chess match.

Then, when we’re good and rested, we have the bend over backwards event.

After that is the high jump

and then a break to check the standings.

When we establish our places, we continue with the banjo picking event

which is largely subjective.

Then, it’s on to the obstacle course.

After which we have a water break because it’s a strenuous event.

The next event is cat martial arts, which is derived from cat fighting, but it’s a little more civilized, since it actually does have rules.

The next event is the hang upside down event. Whichever cat can hang upside down from a shower rod the longest wins the event.

And then, the bend over backwards to win event is a very popular event.

Then, the flying cat event, in which we all try to fly. Most of the participants have some catnip first. It helps to make the participants a little more willing to try the event. No cat has ever won this event, though, because no cat has ever stayed airborne for the required length of time: thirty seconds.

Some believed they had because of the effects of the catnip, but no victories have ever been recorded.

Then, on to another subjective event, the floor exercise.

Along the same lines is the feeding bowl balancing event. The cat that gets the farthest with his or her feeding bowl atop his or her head wins the event. No touching the bowl is allowed.

Then, the last act is the dancing with yourself, which is another very subjective event.

after which the winner will celebrate like it’s nineteen-ninety nine.

And then eat a hearty meal to recover.

d.: That’s thirteen events, Cal.E.

C.: You know I can’t count, d.c., but isn’t that your favorite number?

d.: That’s all the time we have for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner