C.: I need to call d.c. and let him know that T’s fight is on channel 222.222. Then, he can tell me what happens. I can’t watch T fight because I’m afraid of what will happen to him. (ring).
d.: Hi, Cal.E.; How are you?
C.: I’m fine, but I have a reason for my call.
d.: Which is?
C.: I thought that Tom and T were going to fight next week, but it’s today! ASPN decided to put the fight on today, and it’s about to start.
d.: Well, I worked all day and was about to watch the two football games after I finish editing this manuscript Besides, this is the first day of the week, so this fight is, technically, scheduled when ASPN said it would schedule the fight.
C.: If Sunday’s the first day of the week, then why does it occur on the weekEND?!
d.:??? Okay, you’ve made your point. I know that the Animal Sports Network will replay this fight 232 time throughout the week, but, I suppose you want me to watch it live so that you’ll know what to expect when T gets home, don’t you?
C.: Yes! Now turn on your t.v., your channel converter and your scrambler so no one will know that you’re watching an illegal fight. It’s about to start!
D.: Okay, it should come on in three, two, one…negative one, negative two..oh it is starting now.
Ladies, Gentlemen, nonbinary individuals and animals of all types and descriptions; LETS GET READY TO RRRRRUMBLE!!
Tonight, for your entertainment, we have the challenge match of the decade. In a rematch, we have the cat fight for the championship of the WACKO light heavy weight cat fighting division. The last fight was called a draw, so this is for all the marbles. The cats will fight until only one is standing, or the end of the third round; whichever comes first.
Announcer: In the black corner, we have the challenger, holder of five WACKO heavy weight championship cat fighting belt, Tucker Tucker Two, a.k.a. The Cat Fighter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now Simply Known As T Because Triple T Was Already Taken.
Audience: Go Tucker Tucker Two, a.k.a. The Cat Fighter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now Simply Known As T Because Triple T Was Already Taken. You can do eet!
In the orange corner, T’s former best friend and now mortal enemy; holder of the WACKO light heavy weight cat fighting championship belt, The original Triple T, Tom the Tabby!!!
Audience: Boo, Tom, you can’t do eet!
The referee for tonight’s fight desires to remain anonymous, so we won’t introduce him; but he’s instructing both cats on the rules of WACKO championship cat fighting.
Referee: Okay, cats; this is for all the marbles. The light heavy weight World Association of Cat Fighting and Knowledge of Ornithology championship belt goes to the winner. You’re both champions, though, unless you lose this fight.
When the bell rings, bump gloves and come out fighting. The only rule is that there are no rules in cat fighting
Trainer: Okay, T, we have it on good authority that Tom will come out leading with his right paw, and protecting with his left.
T.: You mean the tapes I have in my studio at my house that are connected to the camera’s at Triple T Gym? I already knew Tom was left pawed because we used to be best friends. (ding)
And theres the bell for the first round. T is protecting with his left paw and leading with his right. I suppose he knows that his former BFF is left-pawed, but, NO! Tom is leading with his left paw. He lands an upper cut to T.’s jaw, and another, and another. Now T has him in a clinch, talking into Tom’s ear.
T.: Hey, Tom you have a Doctorate in Playing and Hiding for the College of the Catskills, so I know that you’r a smart cat. What’s four-hundred and thirty two squared?
TTT.: 186432. Why don’t you ask me something that’s hard to figure out? (ding)
And theres the bell to end round one. It looks like the Tabby has taken control of the match. T is winded and seems a little confused in his corner.
Trainer. What the @#$%& are you undoing, T?!
T.: Don’t worry, I have a plan (ding)
And we’re beginning round two. T is still fighting left pawed. I suppose that’s the way he trained for this fight, but it’s getting him nowhere. Triple T lands a body shot to T’s big gut, and another, and another. And now T has him in a clinch again, whispering something in Tom’s ear.
T.: Hey, Tom. Who was the greatest physicist of all time?
TTT.: What? Don’t insult my intelligence, T. Everyone knows that the greatest physicist of all time was Albert Einstein. (ding)
It looks like T and his trainer are having a disagreement in the black corner.
Trainer. What the @#$%& are you undoing, T?! I’m gonna throw in the towel before ya get yourself killed!
T.: No, don’t. I have a plan. (ding)
And there’s the bell for the third and final round. The only way I see T winning this fight is by knockout. Tom is alternating between body blows and uppercuts to T’s jaw,. T hasn’t landed a punch yet. Maybe him needing to weigh in at less than twenty pounds for this fight sapped all T’s strength and energy. He has Tom in a clutch again, talking into his ear.
T.: Okay, you’re good at Math and English, Tom, but I already knew that. Now, I want to test your knowledge of the English language.
TTT: Go ahead.
T.: What another word for synonym?
TTT.; That’s easy it’s…..(bam, pow zing!)
And T lands a combination to Tom’s jaw and body and back to his jaw as Tom was standing in the middle of the ring as if dazed and confused. And..down goes the Tabby. Down Goes the Tabby! Down goes the Tabby!
One, two three, (get up, Tom!) Four five six (there was supposed to be another rematch, so you need to get up before the bell rings or I count to ten) seven eight, nine…ten (ding)
And ladies, gentlemen, nonbinary individuals and animals of all descriptions, we have a knew champion of the light heavy weight division of WACKO Cat Fighting: Tucker Tucker Two, a.k.a. The Cat Fighter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now Simply Known As T Because Triple T Was Already Taken. Now holder of six WACKO heavy weight championship belts!
Announcer: T, do you have anything to say to our audience?
T.: Yes. Let me have the mic. Today (today, today) I consider myself the luckiest cat on the face of the earth. I have achieved my goal of obtaining all six of the WACKO heavy weight championship belts. This sport is no longer a challenge to me, so I retire from the sport so that I can spend more time with my wife and her fourteen kittens, who are forty-nine in human years and need to get real jobs. I'll make sure they do. Thank you, and God Bless America.
Yeah, Tucker Tucker Two, a.k.a. The Cat Fighter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now Simply Known As T Because Triple T Was Already Taken. You did do ETT!
* Cal.E.’s Korner does not indorse cat fighting, or any other kind of violence. The preceding blog post was totally dictionary. If this had been a real cat fight, animal control would have been notified and both cats would be put into The Kennel for thirty days to cool off.
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