C.: My third husband, Tucker Tucker Two, a.k.a. The Cat Fighter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now Simply Known As T Because Triple T Was Already Taken, the holder of heavyweight catfighting championship belts in five different categories, was having some trouble with his training. He hurt his paw (front right, not his sire) training to gather a cat fighting championship belt in the light heavyweight category. T doesn’t want to stop training, so he wanted to see a vet ASAP. However, most vets don’t work on Sundays, but I knew of one who did. I did have to lie, though, and say that T was an occupant of The Kennel before the vet would see him.
The Kennel is open 24/7, 365 days a year, and it must have a vet on the premises at all times. I wanted T to see a vet, and we needed someone who could relay our concerns to the medical professional. Since nobody will believe that a cat can talk, I called d.c. and asked d.c. to accompany us to The Kennel to see the vet. The vet may believe that d.c. can understand us, so he agreed to go with us for T to see Dr. Death.
****
D.D.: Hello, ma’m, sir or nonbinary individual. Are you feeling well and healthy today?
d.: Yes, sir. I’m your usual nurse, but I brought in animal patient for you to examine.
DD.: Okay, next vict-I mean patient, please nurse.
d.: The next patient is called T.
DD: Which cage is he in?
d.: He’s in cage number…1234.
DD: Hmm.. I didn’t think we had enough cages to have for digit numbers attached to them, but I guess we’re getting more and more residents. If you ask me, there are too many animals in the world.
So, what seems to be T’s problem, nurse?
d.: He seems to be having trouble with his front right paw.
D.D.: Well, tell him to use the other three. Next!
d.: Wait! Sir, this is the world champion heavy-weight cat fighter in five different categories who was formerly known as The Tuxedo…
DD: The Tuxedo?! Isn’t he tied to the Triple T Cartel?
d.: Not any more, sir.
DD.: Well, the fact remains that he cost me ten c-notes when I bet on his opponent in his last fight. I got ten to one odds on that last fight of his, so I thought it might be a good investment; but T knocked out his opponent with one punch. I also paid $75.87 to watch that one-punch fight in the comfort of my own living room. This cat has cost me a lot of money…
But, when I lost that bet, I realized that I’d hit rock bottom. I was betting on cat fighting, for goodness sake! After I lost all that money on that cat fight, I felt as if I had egg on my face, so I went to Gambler’s Anonymous and haven’t bet on anything since….
I wonder why they ask you to tell the group your first name, if it’s Gambler’s ANONYMOUS?!
Oh well, I’ve been able to buy a boat with the money I saved from not gambling. Of course, the boat had a hole in the hull, so it sank the first time I took it out.
I was in the Gulf of Mexico and had to swim two miles to get to shore…But that showed me what I was capable of, so I started training to compete in an Ironman distance triathlon. I was in the best shape of my life….
Until a sprained my ankle training. Since I tore ligaments in my ankle, I couldn’t train anymore, and I was bored. So, I started drinking heavily, but realized my mistake quickly and joined Alcoholics Anonymous. They wanted to know my first name, too, oddly enough.
Oh wow! Look at the time! I’ve got a GA meeting and then an AA meeting in five minutes. Just tell T to take two mls of kitty aspirin and call me in the morning, or you call me since you can speak English and he’s a cat.
d.: So, I guess that’s all the time we have for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow for another episode of Ca.E.’s Korner.
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