Cal.E.'s Korner

Where, where, are you tonight?

Why did you leave me here all alone?

I searched the world over,

And thought I found true love.

You met another and Pfft! you were gone.

Remember the night we were goin’ to the Church dance

and you came and asked me if your lipstick was smeared

and you got so mad because I told the truth, dear,

I can’t see your lips through your mustache and beard

You said we could save on our fire insurance

with firecrackers placed around our bedroom

and if the noise should burst into the flame, dear,

we’d be awakened by the loud boom

You had funny ways, there’s no doubt about it

You let your two feet hang out of the bed

And when I asked you the reason you did it

“I don’t want cold feet in my bed” you said.

You never could see the new styles they’re wearin’

like women-folk walking around in men’s pants

and you couldn’t see grown men wearin’ rompers

instead of uncles they looked more like aunts

Remember the night that I couldn’t find you

for you disappeared right after the ball

in case you forgot, I’d like to remind you

I found you at Tootsie’s with old Tom T. Hall

When I told you I had thoughts of retirin’

when I reached the age of three score and ten

you said I’d get tired of rockin’ and thinkin’

maybe at 80 I’d start work again

Remember the night we stopped at the drive in

You twisted my arm and gave me the shakes

the waitress I kissed was not really flirtin’

I was just playin’ for much bigger stakes

They asked me to sing with a famous artist

Lucky they left the choice up to me

I did the pickin’ and now I’m a grinnin

’cause I didn’t pick Donnie, I picked Marie

I said to my love, you’re teeth, they need fillin’

She hauled off and said you ain’t got good sense

you ain’t got buck teeth but when you’re a smilin’y

our teeth look more like a picket fence

Now I did my best to pleasure and please you

I offered you too a trip to the moon

I wanted a chance to kiss you and squeeze you

But you had your eye on a guy named Pat Boone

You wanted a big and not a small family

we started our kids and had them real fast

but after we worn out ten baby buggies

you said let’s get one next time that will last.

One day she asked me how I liked her figure

she said I just weighed one hundred and three

Then she up and said “one thing I can’t figure,”

“one pound of candy makes five pounds of me”

I felt like a fool, with fear I was shakin’

before I realized the spot I was in

the trouble I had was all my own makin’

when you caught me kissin’ Loretta Lynn

We once had a dog who ate in the kitchen

Blacksmith was his name, no one could eat more

‘guess you wondered why we called the dog Blacksmith

he spent life makin’ a bolt for the door

The good neighbor said your love was a gamble

but your kiss drove me right out of my head

but then I found out that you liked to ramble

oh what a pity, now our love is dead

Down here on the farm the weather gets messy

Laying around with nothin’ to do

When you went away, you took my cow Bessie

I miss her darling, more than I miss you

You took off your leg, your wig and your eye glass

And you shoud’ve seen the look on my face

I wanted to kiss, I wanted to hug you

But you were scattered all over the place

You took out your false teeth, your wig and your glasses.

You were just scattered all over the place.

I wanted to kiss you and hug you so tightly.

I guess that I would have if I’d found your face.

I know that you loved me, here’s my way of knowing,

The proofs hanging out right there on the line.

When I see the snow and feel the wind blowing,

Your nighties hugging them long johns of mine.

The noises you made at our supper table

Your habits, my dear, were surely absurd

But how many times do I have to tell you

Soup is a dish to be seen and not heard

Remember you phoned me a-sobbin’ and cryin’

The dog bit your maw, and drug her around

You said she looked pale and thought she was dying

I said “Don’t worry, I’ll buy a new hound.”

I had six kids and you had eleven

And we had a boy, and they grew like flowers

I wish you’d come back, without you ain’t heaven

‘Cause your kids and my kids are beatin’ up ours

I went to your house at three in the morning.

You had all them curlers and junk in your hair.

You would not have scared me and I’d not have run so,

If you had not looked like you’d wrestled a bear.

I told you, my darlin’, you looked like a gopher.

Made you so mad, you haven’t spoke since.

But tell me my darling if you ain’t got no buck teeth.

How do you eat apples through a picket fence?

When I picked you up for our date last weekend.

You looked so pretty in your satin and lace.

But when I bent over and started to kiss you,

You popped a pimple all over my face!

The other night after the hoe-down,

We drove up to our parking place,

I wrapped my arms around you wanting to hold you,

You popped a zit, hit me square in the face.

The other night after the square dance,

I was felling particularly bold,

With my arm ’round you I pulled you closer,

You raised your armpits and I blacked out cold.

Now we got along, my life was real sunny,

But only one thing would ruin our fun.

I know you love me but you worship money,

And you got mad when I offered you none.

Now time, it told me, that your love was icy

Said you spent your time attending the sheep

And your words were never so tender and spicy

Instead of lovin’ you went right to sleep

Married or not was the question

I didn’t want to do somethin’ rash

I pondered and pondered and thinkin’ it over

And made up my mind when I saw Johnny’s Cash!

You like to save on things for the household

It’s something that I could not understand

But now I know why you never bought dishes

You only mean to eat out of your hand

One day she served me a couple of fried eggs

That was one of her contemptible tricks

I told her off, I said when you fry eggs

Don’t dirty my plate with no less than six

Remember my darling we went to the movies,

You slid right over and sat on my lap,

You squished me out flat as a pancake,

I had to suffer while you took a nap.

I told you my darling I’d buy you a soda,

Funniest thing that I ever saw;

You stuck your nose right down in the bottle

You couldn’t even wait till I got you a straw

I told you my darling I’d take you a fishin’,‘

was the nastiest thing that I ever saw;

You saw them worms crawlin’ around in th’ bucket,

You took out your salt and devoured them all

Your lips are as red as boysenberries

Your ears look like a big cabbage leaf

Your eyes bug out like an old pop-eyed mullet

Your hair’s like haywire and hangs to your feet

I thought that my love was all that you wanted

I thought that my money meant nothin’ to you

I thought that the hogs would stay in the hogpen

That’s what I thought dear, but you took them too

Now, there was a girl, she wanted to marry,

Her dear mother said that she was too young.

Her dad said “But, dearie, the dowry is cheery.

”So, nobody worried or messed with her fun.

Remember when you went out huntin’ for ‘possum

you said you’d get one and wouldn’t be long

That’s ten years ago, an’ I’m sittin’ here waitin’

Beginning to wonder if something went wrong

We let you use our new cow milker

You didn’t know the hose from the spout

You left it on our old cow Bessie

By the time we got back she was turned inside out

You bought yourself an electric milker.

You didn’t know the hose from the spout.

You put it on Bessie our cow and you left her.

After four hours she turned inside out.

I went to the barn to milk our cow Elsie

She gave to me a good bucket full

It tasted funny all over the corn flakes

It wasn’t Elsie; it was the bull

I miss you so much, the ‘taters need diggin’

The corn in the field, it needs pickin’ now

How well I remember the first time I met you

You looked so purty a-pullin’ that plow.

I thought that my love was all you wanted

I thought that my money meant nothing to you

I thought that the hogs would stay in the hog-pen

That’s what I thought, dear, but you took them all.

I went to the barn to kill a sick chicken.‘

Twas our anniversary we celebrate.

Why should some poor fat sick little chicken

Pay for the little mistake that we made?

Remember the clothesline from the house to the shed, dear

It sags and your clothes drag the ground all the time

You said would you please move the shed over, darlin’

So it will tighten up my old clothesline.

I must admit, I hanker for Mabel

She was the best horse I ever had

Now I Have to sleep alone in the stable.

That old bag said I oughta be glad.

My Daddy swore he would never quit drinking,

Mother got down on her knees and she begged,

One night my Daddy came home cold sober,

The dog didn’t know him and he chewed off his leg.

Her hair was like straw, her eyes was like marbles,

her teeth were like rocks: all chisled away.

Her face was like felt: all green and fuzzy.

Why, oh why didn’t she stay.

When you were young, you weren’t very pretty

You’d make a freight train take a dirt road…

Now that you’re older you ain’t much better,

cause you’d scare the warts right off of a toad!

I heard tell that you were religious,

A real holy roller from your head to your toes,

But I found out you were just foolin,

When you said grace before pickin your nose!

You always acted like you were so young, dear

A livin’ the life of excitement and spice

You told the neighbors it’s your 25th birthday

25th, nothin’, you been 25 twice.

I remember in school how you kept us all laughin

no one was quite sure of what you would say

the teacher once told you to sit down in front

you said you couldn’t you don’t bend that way…

Pardon me dear if my words seem bitter

There’s no excuse for my broken dreams

I did not know I married a quitter

My life is falling apart at the seams!

Last night at the dance you sure did look purty

you shure did look purty while doin a jig

but come Monday morning while slopin the Hogs dear

I could’nt tell you from one of the pigs.

We went to the barn to milk a new heifer

You came alomg, not want’n to nag

You went inside to fetch me a milk stool

You left me there a hold’n the bag

I had a wife Blanche she sure was a drinker

A pint an hour is what she would take

and when it came time for our wedding reception

her breath lit the candles on our wedding cake

At Jingle Bell time you made out the gift list

For Judy & Jill & Trudy & Tex

When Christmas rolled ’round, you sent out the gift list

You signed the cards, dear, but I signed the checks.

I remember darlin the first time I met you

You looked at me with that big posseum grin

I asked you sweetheart please may I kiss you

You opened your mouth; that’s when I fell in.

You yelled at me darling your voice was like gravel

And you scared the mocking birds right out of the trees

I’m singing this song and I hope you will hear it

Darling oh darling don’t come back to me

No one ever said that you was a beauty

Your figure was like a flat river boat

I still recall well the first time I kissed you

The hairs on your chin dear they tickled my throat

I married you because of your money.

you married me because of my wealth.

I drank and you decided to leave me,

decided to leave me because of my health.

You drank and caroused like there was no tomorrow,

Your morals was loose as the tie ’round my neck;

Last Saturday night when we went to the square dance

The caller cried “Hoedown” and you hit the deck!

You looked so pretty the day we got married,

A holding the hand of our little boy son,

Your mama was frowning but your daddy was laughing,

As he stood there a holding that big old shotgun.

I told you shouldn’t yell at the chickens,

your face would get red and then you would howl.

I told you that you shouldn’t yell at the chickens,’

cause they understood you, ’cause your language was foul.

I searched the world over,

And thought I found true love.

You met another and

Phht! you were gone…

by Daniel E. Myers accessed from the University of Miami Press.

d.: I should facetime Tucker Tucker Two, a.k.a. The Cat Fighter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now Simply Known As T Because Triple T Was Already Taken on my Smartphone infinity and see how he’s doing. I'm sure he'd love to see a friendly face and I don't have time to walk down to the end of the street and visit him at Wayne Manor. I think that he was in denial yesterday when I talked to him, and I don’t mean the river filled with crocodiles.  (ring) While I wait for him to answer, I let me mind wander. (ring. I wonder why the generation after mine is called Generation X and the next generation is Generation Z. What happened to Y? To me, the generation that is maturing now should be called Gen Y. They want to know why they must do this,(ring) and why something is done a certain way (ring) and why they must work for material things when they don’t mean much to them (but they all like to eat, riii) Oh, hi, T., how are you doing? (This is even worse than I thought. He’s listening to sad music from a syndicated 1970s television show).

T.: Well, after I got home last night, the reality that Cal.E. may stay on her home planet, The Planet of the Talking Cats and live there for all the lives she has left set in, so I started to get depressed. What did I do wrong, d.c.? I took her to the hospital E. R. when she had a lash in her eye, even though my left hind foot was broken. That made it a little hard to drive my car since it is a stick shift, but I managed to get us there in one piece.

Cal.E. couldn’t drive because her depth perception was diminished with only one eye at full strength, so I just gritted and bore the enormous pain of driving a car with a standard transmission with a broken foot.

Also, I let her eat all the food in the house, even when I was starving. that's how I lost 34 lbs and made weight for the light heavy weight cat fighting category. It's all good, because I won that championship belt, just like the other three, so it's all good.

d.: I thought that you had a lot of money, T.

T.: I do, but until recently, I couldn’t speak English. That made it hard to order groceries over the phone, and most grocery stores frown on cats walking their isles. Cal.E. was good enough to order our groceries, using my credit card, until I could speak English. When the groceries were delivered we just  picked them up off the front porch. The only thing that Cal.E. asked for in return for her teaching me to speak English was to use my credit card for ‘incidentals.’

d.: Like what?

T.: A pool table and a swimming pool, for starters. She also bought a motorcycle which she never rode, and fed all fourteen of her kittens, although in human years their forty-two. What did I do wrong, d.c.?

d.: IDK, T., but I’m not an expert on women. No  man or male is. Just keep the faith and hope that she loses the election to Ronald Dump and comes back home. There’s no way of ensuring that, though.

T.: ….Or is there?

d. that's all the time we have for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E's Korner