And now the end is nearSo I face the final curtainMy friend, I'll say it clearI'll state my case of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's fullI've traveled each and every highwayAnd more, much more than thisI did it my way
Regrets, I've had a fewBut then again, too few to mentionI did what I had to doAnd saw it through without exception
I planned each charted courseEach careful step along the bywayAnd more, much more than thisI did it my way
Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knowThat I bit off more than I could chewBut through it all when there was doubtI ate it up and spit it outI faced it all and I stood tallAnd did it my way
I've loved, I've laughed and criedI've had my fill, my share of losingAnd now as tears subsideI find it all so amusingTo think I did all thatAnd may I say, not in a shy wayOh, no, no not meI did it my way
For what is a man, what has he gotIf not himself, then he has notTo say the words he truly feelsAnd not the words of one who kneelsThe record shows I took the blowsAnd did it my way
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Paul Anka / Gilles Thibaut / Claude Francois / Jacques Revaux
My Way lyrics © Barclay Eddie Nouvelles Editions, Iway Holdings Sas
d.: Cal.E., I finished editing your book.
C.: Okay, d.c., go ahead and show me chapter four of THE CAT THAT WAS FROM OUT OF THIS WORLD.
CHAPTER FOUR: I DID IT MY WAY.
As I settled into my life on planet Earth, I learned that the center of the human world is called a “refrigerator.” Humans plan their lives around their meals whose ingredients are held I this (usually) white appliance that is cold on the inside and warm on the outside. That’s why cats like them so much. The refrigerator, or Blanco, as I call my mom and dad’s refrigerator because it’s white and we live in Texas where Spanish is spoken regularly, has some competition from the cell phone now. I can see why. After I purchased mine with the money that I earned from working as a cage cleaner at The Kennel, I played with it all day, when I should have been sleeping. And, since I needed energy to perform my duties as my job the next night, I decided to try the delicious-looking plant that some of the cats that Mom and Dad were fostering. It energized them, so I reasoned that it would energize me. It did. So much so that I became addicted to it and had to undergo rehab at the very place that I had been working. It seems to have a more profound effect on alien cats than earth cats.
My friend and coworker, d.c. scot, the most ruggedly handsome and intelligent human I’ve ever known, talked me into giving up catnip, but I have an addictive personality. I read where I could make a lot of money quickly, so I decided to try gambling. When I ran low on funds, I robbed my bookie, Tom the Tabby, also known as Triple T. That was a mistake, because he sent his huge hench cat, Tucker Tucker Two after me. However, The Tuxedo, as he was known at the time, had a crush on me and decided not to pursue me aggressively, infuriating his boss.
Meanwhile, I got involved in a twelve-step program at The Kennel. One of the steps is to make amends, so I called my ex-husband, Tom (from this planet, not my native planet), and asked for his forgiveness. He was so touched that he hopped on a plane to Houston with all fourteen of our kittens in tow. Tom said that, since my kittens didn’t know me well, they should stay with me indefinitely. Tom may have been a good father, but I was an inexperienced mom, leading to much difficulty. At about this time, though, I was promoted to a management position at my job. That allowed me to higher my kittens, giving them something to do, after I got back from the trip I never took. This was after tricking the two Triple Ts into thinking that I was traveling around the world to avoid them by leaving messages on d.c.’s phone, which I knew they had bugged. I hid under Mom and Dad’s bed the whole time. Since they were on a cruise, no one knew where I was, until d.c. figured it out.
d.c. encouraged me to face my problems when he found me. Tom the Tabby then decided that, if I could beat his top fighter in the ring, he would forgive me for the money I had stolen from him. So, d.c. trained me for a cat fight with The Tuxedo, a fifty-two pound cat at the time. I danced, bobbed and weaved as d.c. had instructed me to do while Tucker stood in the middle of the ring, waiting for an opening. My brilliant trainer then came up with a way for me to win the cat fight-give my opponent what he was looking for. d.c. had timed each of us while throwing a punch, and he concluded that I was a fraction of a second faster doing so than the enormous beast I was fighting. So, I dropped my front paws, pretending to be too tired to defend myself. When The Tuxedo tried to throw a haymaker punch to end the fight by knockout, I hit him with an uppercut to the jaw, knocking him out and winning the fight, but I knew something was amiss.
When Tucker woke up, I asked him why he hadn’t used his reach and knocked me out to end the fight earlier. He admitted that Tom had made him mad and he still had a crush on me, so he threw the fight to get back at Tom. He then asked me out on a date, and I was terrified. I hadn’t been on a date in years, and I’d been married twice, making me a two-time loser.
d.c. talked me into going on a date with Tucker, and I’m glad that he did. On our date I learned that Tucker had been in The Kennel for various infractions so many times that the warden had retired his number. However, Tucker used his time wisely. He earned a Doctorate in Playing and Hiding by correspondence from the College of the Cat Skills while incarcerated. He and I got engaged and set a date.
After my nerves settled and my thirty-third cousin twice removed from another planet, ELAC and I fought a war with aliens to save the planet, Tucker and I married.
Tucker lost weight to fight in different heavy weight cat fighting categories, winning each belt. In fact, Tucker has only lost one cat fight in his life, to me, even though I only weigh seven and one-half pounds. After losing more than one-half of his body weight, Tucker decided to change his fighting name from The Tuxedo to Tucker Tucker two, a.k.a. The Cat Fghter Formerly Known As The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now simply Known As T Because Triple T Was Already Taken. T thought that wouuld be more dignified.
We decided against having or adopting kittens, because I already have fourteen, who still live with us at Wayne Manor; T.’s home that he graciously decided to share with me and my whole family. We have the usual problems but are usually happy together. And I have this life because I did it my way. The end.
d.: What do you think, Cal.E.?
C.: Well, I appreciate you editing my manuscript, d.c., but YOU LEFT MY BEST WORK ON THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR! I mean, this manuscript is nothing like the one I wrote, but I suppose I should be grateful After all, you did put off taking your test to edit the last chapter of my book, so I suppose that you’ll need to go now and take your test.
d.: No, Cal.E., I don’t I took that test yesterday and should have an A in that class that ends today.
C.: So, you rewrote my book, studied, and then took your test? When did you sleep?
d.: SLEEP?! I don’t need to sleep! I’m the king, baby, and the king of Rock and Roll doesn’t need to sleep!
C.: Well, that’s all the time we have for today, folks. Please join us tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner.