C.: d.c., I’ve made up my mind about which of T. Puppy’s games I want tickets to see.
d.: which games, Cal.E.?
C.: All of them, and another ticket for Tucker. He thinks that being at a park where there are a lot of dogs will help us do SAQ workouts, whatever those are.
d.: that stands for Speed Agility and Quickness, Cal.E. I sounds like Tucker may be planning to do something to aggravate the dogs. Then, you and he will need to dodge all the dogs and/or outrun them. It should improve your speed, agility, and quickness, but it sounds like a dangerous way to do it to me.
c.: Well, it should help us get into better shape for out tag-team championship cat fight matches…
d.: If you survive.
C.: Let’s talk about something else.
d.: Like what?
C.: Like whatever project you’re working on now.
d.: I’m glad you asked, since I had a brainstorm last night. I stayed up all night to work on it.
C.: What’s the idea, d.c.?
d.: I’m going to write scripts for updated, combined shows from the 1970s…
C.: When you were middle-aged?
d.: I was young, then, Cal.E., but I still remember the shows. The first one is an update of one of the most popular television shows ever broadcast. It was popular with my generation, as well as my parents’.
C.: What show is that, d.c.?
d.: M.A.S.H. It was in the top of the rankings for many years, but the stars are all old now, so I’ll call it “SMASH.”
C.: Why SMASH?
d.: Because that’s what the stars must do now to all their food before they eat it.
C.: (I had to ask. At least he isn’t channeling Elvis Pressley…yet.)
d.: The second one is a compilation of two shows. It’s called Starsky and The Jeffersons. Since David Soul went on to become a big name, I doubt he would want to be involved. It’s about a detective who teams up with a wise-cracking dry cleaner to solve crimes. The dry cleaner is the pick of the local cartel to dry clean their clothes, so he tells all the information to the detective…
C.: Why would he do that?
d.: To avoid going to jail. Starsky finds out George Jefferson is laundering money for the cartel, so he makes a deal with him. He tells George that he won’t go to jail if he snitches on the cartel. Starsky is always one step ahead of the cartel because of this.
C.: didn’t Sherman Hemsley, the original George Jefferson, die several years ago?
d.: Yes, I guess I would need to make his son, Lionel the owner, then. Thanks, Cal.E.
C.: What’s next?
d.: Three’s Good Times Company. I think that’s self-explanatory.
C.: Why?
d.: The cast is two girls and one guy. But I will need to replace Suzanne Summers, like they did on the original show. Her passing would make it difficult to cast her as the original Crissy Snow.
Then, we’ll have the Wonder Woman/Hulk crossover hour. David Banner meets and falls in love with Linda Carter, and they get married. They have exceptional children, but they all turn green and have super strength when they’re angry.
C.: Wasn’t Wonder Woman gay?
d.: No, Cal.E. This was the 1970s. Gay people weren’t widely accepted then. I think you’re thinking of Xena, Warrior Princess. That came out ten to twenty years later.
C.: What’s next?
d.: Emergency, Shazam! It’s about two paramedics who have superhero powers. Now that they’re old, though, they cater to the geriatric population. They save senior citizens from the embarrassment of urinary incontinence and things like that.
C.: (I’m almost afraid to ask, but here goes) what’s next, d.c.?
d.: The Love Fantasy Island. I think that’s self-explanatory, too.
C.: But who wants to watch a bunch of old people make out? I mean, no offense, but come on.
d.: That’s the beauty part. Both shows had guest stars each week, so I can cast whomever I choose.
Then, my next idea was for a game show: The Price of the Family Feud. It’s about how much money feuding families are willing to pay an arbitrator to settle a dispute. I think that one has real potential.
Which one do you like best, Cal.E.?
C.: …. I’d love to answer that question, d.c., but it looks like we’re out of time for today. Please join us tomorrow for another (better, hopefully) episode of Cal.E’s Korner.