Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Make me, oh, make me, Lord, more than I am
Make a piece in your master game plan
Free from the earthly temptation below
I've got the will, Lord, if you've got the toe
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Bring on the brothers who've gone on before
And all of the sisters who've knocked at your door
All the departed, dear loved ones of mine
And stick 'em up front in the offensive line
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
Yeah, dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life
End over end, neither left, nor the right
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Paul Charles Craft
Dropkick Me Jesus lyrics © Screen Gems-emi Music Inc., Black Sheep Music
d.: How are you feeling now, Cal.E.?
C.: I still feel as though I’ve been dropkicked through the uprights of life, d.c. Additionally, I don’t know why I’m in the vet clinic, with I.V.s attached to both my front legs. Can you please tell me what happened?
d.: Well, I wasn’t there, but, from what I saw when I got to your mom and dad’s house,
your evening went a little like this.
You and Meow Z. Tongue were talking, and you realized that he was trying to gather
valuable information about this planet from you by persuading you to take him with you to your job at The Kennel last night. You decided that would never do, but he’s a big cat, and you only weigh seven and one-half pounds. So, you excused yourself and went next door to my house to look for one of my hunting guns. I know that you’re a pacifist, Cal.E., so I suspect that you just wanted to scare Meow.
However, my shotgun and my rifle were too heavy for you to carry, and I don’t own any
handguns. Just as you were trying to figure out what to do, you found some chewing
tobacco. Rememberin Hank Williams, Jr.’s song about spitting some Beech-Nut in someoneelse’s eye, someone he didn’t like, you decided to chew up the tobacco my son’s ex-girlfreind had left at my house. However, the tobacco was old, and you didn’t knowwhat you were doing. You swallowed some of the juice and passed out cold when you triedto spit the juice in Meow’s eyes. After which, Meow Z. Tongue commandeered your keys and headed for The Kennel.
C.: Oh, no! This planet will be destroyed, and it’s all my fault! MZT probably gathered
some valuable information at The Kennel, and now he knows how to destroy the planet and commandeer all of y’alls resources to power the Planet of the Talking Cats when it runs out of fuel to power to planet in one million (or one billion, I forget which) cat naps.
d.: Don’t be so hard on yourself, Cal.E. I said that Meow headed for The Kennel, but he
didn’t make it past the end of the street.
C.: Y??!!
d.: Because, unbeknownst to you, Tucker had a sensor put on your keys. It will trigger a
distress signal any time anyone or anything that doesn’t have your DNA touches your keys. The keys signaled your husband, the heavyweight cat fighting champion of the world in five different categories, Tucker Tucker Two, a.k.a. The Cat Fighter Formerly Known as The Tuxedo (who really needs a shorter nickname) Now Simply Known As T, Because Triple T was already taken....
C.: Tucker’s tough, but Meow Z. Tongue is huge, and he’s also a combat veteran. Is my
husband okay?
d.: He’s fine because your cousin, ELAC is staying with you and he asked her for help. As
you already know, your cousin is a war hero.
She and Tucker together subdued Meow Z. Tongue, and the world is safe from giant, talking cats (for another day, at least).
C.: That’s swell, d.c., but I do have some questions.
d.: I’d love to answer them for you, Cal.E., but we’re out of time for today. Please join us
tomorrow for another episode of Cal.E.’s Korner.